WHY I'M DUMPING YOU

(June, 2013) On the internet, one ex-girlfriend listed the 20 reasons why she was breaking up with her boyfriend.
Why I’m Dumping You:
1. You think Predator 2 was better than the original.
2. It’s not ‘cousint’ (with a t). It’s ‘cousin’.
3. You referred to your cockatoo as your baby.
4. The airbrushed clothing.
5. You eat your cereal with water instead of milk.
6. You can name all the dudes in One Direction.
7. You have one too many posters of Michael Phelps in a Speedo.
8. You used air quotes when you talked about the moon landing.
9. ‘Snow Dogs’ is your favorite movie.
10. You insist on calling the president Barack HUSSEIN Obama.
11. Must you tell every single person about that time you were visited by aliens?
12. You kiss your entire family on the mouth.
13. Your Taz tattoo.
14. Vegans do not eat bacon, dumbass.
15. You wore sweatpants to my grandma’s funeral.
16. Your AOL email address.
17. Two words: leather pants.
18. Your favorite actor is Kirk Cameron.
19. You’ve used the phrase, “Jay Leno said the funniest thing.”
20. You told me, “Put on something sexy, we’re going to Red Lobster.”
Have a nice life!
* And don’t even get her started on which way he hangs the toilet paper.
* So, she left him because he’s a closeted gay Republican?
* How did she not catch on to this stuff within the first few dates?
* This guy’s a loser in ways I’ve never even thought of.
* Let me guess: This is all fake and she’s trying to be the female Dave Barry.
* Try getting married. You could make a list this long every morning.
* Hello? Of course he used air quotes for the moon landing. We’ve had a base there since the 1950s.
* He had to wear his sweatpants to your grandmother’s funeral. His leather pants were at the cleaners.
* Don’t be too dismissive about the guy, girlfriend. You’re the dumbass who went out with him.
* PHONE TOPIC: What one weird thing did your ex do that was grounds for a breakup?