TOP CAUSE OF DIVORCE: CONTEMPT

(January 2016) If you ever find yourself displaying contempt for your partner, it could be putting your relationship in jeopardy. Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal, says John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington. Gottman and University of California at Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson found this single behavior is so powerful that they can use it to predict divorce with 93% accuracy.
– The striking 93% figure comes from a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period) published in 2002. Since then, decades of research into marriage and divorce have lent further support to the idea linking divorce with specific negative behaviors. One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or simply began to disengage from conflict within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce, even as far as 16 years down the road.
– Why are couples who exhibit this one behavior more likely to split up? It comes down to a superiority complex. Feeling smarter than, better than, or more sensitive than your significant other means you’re not only less likely see his or her opinions as valid, but, more importantly, you’re far less willing to try to put yourself in his or her shoes to try to see a situation from his or her perspective.
– If you’ve noticed yourself or your partner exhibiting this type of behavior, don’t despair – it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. Being aware that you’re doing something that could negatively affect your partner is the first step to actively combating it. If you can figure out how to avoid the behavior or replace it with a more positive one, you’ll likely greatly improve the relationship – and increase your chances of staying together for longer.
* Why would you want to stay together longer with someone who’s so pathetic?
* Bring this up at dinner tonight, if you think your partner is smart enough to understand it.
* Let’s rerun this story in June, at the beginning of the wedding season.
* Thanks, guys, but we already have an expression for this: “Familiarity breeds contempt.” We ignore it, but we do have an expression for it.
* This type of behavior doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, but I wouldn’t plan that big anniversary party just yet.
* You know what’s even worst than contempt? When they tell you you’re “beneath contempt.”