WEDDING NIGHT WHOOPEE

March, 2014 – According to a survey of 1,000 newlyweds by wedding stationary company Paper Shaker, at least 25 percent of couples don’t have sex on their wedding night because they were too drunk or tired. Here, courtesy of TheStir.com, are wedding night stories:

– “My ex-husband sprained his ankle badly while drunkenly dancing with one of our bridesmaids to ‘Cotton-Eyed Joe.’ His parents came up to our hotel room later that night to check on him, because he was so swollen. Needless to say, the only moaning coming from our room was him moaning in pain.”
– “My husband passed out from drinking on the bus ride to the hotel from the reception. I spent the night making sure he was okay and finally eating something after not eating all day.”
– We got into an argument, because a group of his friends got drunk since we had open bar and was being disruptive and rude and he thought I had asked them to leave our wedding. I didn’t, [but] we spent our wedding night in separate rooms.”
– “My husband got drunk on champagne and the sex sucked, and he passed out right afterwards. I spent the night watching TV. We are divorced now.”
– “The first thing we did was climb on the bed (tux and gown still on) and opened all of our cards to count our cash. Then, ordered pizza. Even though we had a buffet at the reception, we were still starving. We ate pizza in bed while watching TV. We did NOT consummate our marriage that night. We were way too tired!”
– “I put on some lingerie in an attempt to look nice. My husband was more excited about opening the envelopes and counting the money from the checks. He said, ‘Don’t feel obligated to have sex.’ We were too tired anyhow and went to sleep.”
– “We had a morning ceremony and breakfast reception, so we went home afterwards, I had a nap, then I had to work the night shift. How about that for romantic? Hah.”
– “We almost burned the B & B down! I threw his shirt over the top of a lamp, then later, we went out for dinner. When we came back, the shirt was scorched, and the room smelled like burnt cotton.”
– “We spent our wedding night in the emergency room. Whoever set up the cake table didn’t lock it in place properly, and it crashed on my foot.”
* We’re going to have to come up with another wedding song that isn’t “Here Comes the Bride.”
* Darn, I wish they’d post the video where the cake table crashes down on the bride or groom’s foot. I love slapstick comedy.
* Later, when the sex dwindles down, you’ll look back at this night and wonder what you were thinking.
* One thing to remember: a lot of newlyweds have been having sex for years while they lived together.
* I mean it’s not like the Middle Ages where the king has to consummate the marriage that night or the kingdom crashes down.
* Even worse: The newlyweds who had sex that night but with other people.
* PHONE TOPIC: My Wacky Wedding Night. Did you have wedding night whoopee or wedding night whoops?