SHOCK STUDY: HANDSOMENESS + $$ + HUMOR + BROAD SHOULDERS = BETTER SEX FOR HER

(January, 2017) Researchers at the University of Albany, New York, have been asking young women in heterosexual relationships about their sex lives. (* And yet when I do it, I get a restraining order. Go figure.) What they wanted to know is how intensely and frequently they experience orgasms. The scientists looked at the partner’s traits – including income, personality, sense of humor, looks and body measurements. They also asked the ladies to rate their partner’s looks. Here is what they found:
– Women were more likely to climax if their partners were rich, confident and attractive. (* Says Steve Buscemi: “Two out of three ain’t bad.”)
– Ladies who found their man attractive had more intense orgasms. (* Says Steve Buscemi: “Let’s turn out the lights.”)
– A man’s broad shoulders were also found to be related to sexual satisfaction. (* Says Steve Buscemi: “Man, I can’t get a break with this survey!”)
– Researchers also found women having more regular sex, and more frequent orgasms, with funny men. Their partner’s sense of humor not only predicted his self-confidence and family income, but also predicted women’s propensity to initiate sex, and how often they had sex. Humor also enhanced their orgasm frequency in comparison with other partners. (* Says Steve Buscemi: “Before you take off your underwear, listen to this. A zebra and a giraffe walk into a bar …”)
* I’ve got to get out more. Specifically, to Albany.
* So coming up for men in 2017: Shoulder implants.
* My wife hates my broad shoulders. She says it blocks her view of the TV while we’re doin’ it.
* I know this is all true, because whenever we have sex, my wife laughs at me.
* “Women were more likely to climax if their partners were rich, confident and attractive.” And patient. And untiring. Really, really patient and untiring.
* And it helps to be able to flick non-stop through a $10,000 stack of $1 bills with your tongue.
* Body measurements are important? Yeah, with the size of one part of the body in particular.
* For me the worst part of sex is when my wife tapes a picture of Brad Pitt on my forehead.
* Gee, so if you’re ugly, broke and have no personality you struggle? Who could have predicted that?
* One problem with sex surveys: Nobody has ever told the truth in a single one of them.
* Of course many young women say the size of their orgasm depends on how many batteries they go through.