WHY PEOPLE HAVE BROKEN UP

(March 2016) Here, from the internet, is an assortment of reasons why people have broken up:
– She didn’t believe in the moon landing.
– She pronounced it “cold slaw”.
– He didn’t take his underwear off during sex, ever.
– Every time I yawned she thought it hilarious to stick her finger in my open mouth.
– When she watched shows on the DVR she wouldn’t fast-forward through the commercials.
– She ate her peas one at a time.
– She walked like a T. Rex.
– She put mustard on her fries by applying it to her hand first and then rubbing it all over the fries. Then she licked the mustard off her hand.
– She would constantly say the names of the stores we passed while driving. “Jiffy Lube. Spencers. Gym-booor-eee.”
– I looked at him from a distance and realized his head was just waaaay too big for his body.
– She walked too slow. We’d go out and walk down the street and I’d turn around and she’s 20 feet behind me.
– One day I realized she looked like Paul Dano and I couldn’t unsee it.
– She put the spoon into the sugar jar after stirring her coffee, leaving clumps of coffee sugar.
– She held her fork overhanded, as in the shovel technique. You can’t take someone like that anywhere.
– She’d wait until she had the bartender’s attention and then start to decide what she wanted to drink.
– She had a mole on her eyelid. Every time I kissed her I saw it when she was leaning in. I started having dreams that the mole was talking to me.
– I couldn’t stand her name Antoinette. I tried to get her to go by Tony, no such luck. She had to go.
– She wore the same deodorant as my mother.
– Her mouth made a trapezoid when she talked.
– Her apartment was an 8th-floor walkup.
– She was the loudest eater I ever met. She chewed with her mouth open and smacked her lips. God forbid if she really liked it, then came the litany of “mmm” and “noms”. it was like dating the Cookie Monster.
* This is like the plot summary of every Seinfeld episode ever.
* The only problem with this list is that it assumes there has to be a reason.
* Sometimes you just reach for that front door when you get home but you can’t bring yourself to go in.
* Then there’s the uh-oh moments where you know for sure that you just learned the detail that will end it someday, but you hang in there for months too long anyway.
* And to be fair, there’s that .00007 percent of these relationships that really work wonderfully. Or so I’ve heard.
* PHONE TOPIC: Answer in one sentence: Why did you break up with him or her?