SO YOU’VE CAUGHT THE LOCH NESS MONSTER

What happens if somebody actually catches the fictitious Loch Ness Monster? Turns out, there’s a plan. The Nessie Contingency Plan is a set of guidelines written by Scotland’s nature agency, NatureScot. (* Pine Needles: Nature’s Cot.) It was developed back in 2001, at a time when there was a lot of Nessie-hunting activity on the loch. The code, which was partly serious and partly in fun, was drawn up to offer protection not just to the elusive monster, but to any new species found in the loch. The plan stipulates that a DNA sample should be taken from any new creature, and then it should be released back into the loch. The animal would also be afforded the same legal protection as Scotland’s other native wildlife, such as wildcats and golden eagles, meaning it would be illegal to kill, injure or capture the monster.
* It sounds like they spent more time typing up the plan than thinking it up.
* Actually, step one if you catch the Loch Ness Monster is Scottish authorities give you a full psyche evaluation.
* Just curious – are they ever gonna let us call Scottish lochs “lakes,” like “Lake Ness Monster” – or is it gonna be “Loch Ness” for the next 10,000 years? I mean, Italy doesn’t make us call Lake Como “Lago di Como.” So annoying.
* In America, when they find Bigfoot, the plan is to let it do a People magazine cover, the morning news show circuit, then give it a podcast.