THE “FUNNIEST” “JOKES” FROM THE EDINBURGH “FRINGE” FESTIVAL

The annual Edinburgh Festival Fringe is a convention of comedians. UK people, being who they are, feel the need to rank the jokes. Here are the top-ranked “jokes” from the festival. Warning: jokes rarely translate from the stage to print. Also, the British have a very loose definition of the word “joke.” Alright, hang on to your sides so they don’t split:
1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.
2. I’ve been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don’t feel like I’m progressing. It’s just one step forward… two steps back.
3. Ate horse at a restaurant once – wasn’t great. The starter was all right but the mane was dreadful.
4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it.
5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.
6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes.
7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? [* Spoons is short for Wetherspoons, a corporate pub chain in the UK. Knowing this does not improve the joke.]
8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I’ve cracked it.
9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had.
10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. [Halloumi is a type of cheese, you see]
11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’.
12. I’ve got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I’d never bought her that vineyard.
13. Gay people are very bad at math. We don’t naturally multiply.
14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher. (*Keir Starmer is the current Prime Minister)
15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people.
* Oh — VINEYARD! Now I get it.
* Yeah, I don’t think Jim Gaffigan or Dave Chappelle are worried.
* I bet these are right bangers while punting on the Thames.
* Maybe if I read them again in a British accent…?
* I guess it’s called the Fringe festival ’cause the jokes are on the fringe of being funny.