WEDNESDAY, Sep 13 – DAILY PREP TEXT VERSION

MORNING SIDEKICK DAILY PREP TEXT VERSION FOR WEDNESDAY, September 13, 2017
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COMEDY MP3s POSTED ON OUR PREP SITE FOR TODAY: A & M AUTOLAND – Super Auto World; THE ONLY MORNING SHOW IN TOWN

TODAY IS …
(All days repeat annually on today’s date unless otherwise noted; days may or may not be called “National”/”International”/”World” depending on source; sources listed often have additional info. We generally do not list special days which were created by commercial companies for the purpose of marketing, or the hundreds of disease awareness listings which occur each year.)

INTERNATIONAL CHOCOLATE DAY

KIDS TAKE OVER THE KITCHEN DAY
http://www.nationaldaycalendar.com/national-kids-take-over-the-kitchen-day-september-13/ says this:
“Kids and teens across the country are called to take over their kitchens on this day using their favorite recipes and make a meal for their family! (Adult supervision and assistance as required for the younger bakers and chefs in the house!) The objective behind this mission of the Young Chefs Academy (YCA) is to empower kids and teens to become more actively involved in the planning, preparation and cooking of meals. The YCA is fostering family bonds and actively fighting the battle against the many serious health and social issues related to youth’s eating habits in today’s time.

NATIONAL PEANUT DAY

ROALD DAHL DAY
The anniversary of the birth of the author behind works like “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” – Willie Wonka to the masses. More info here:
http://www.roalddahl.com/create-and-learn/join-in/roald-dahl-day
What you won’t find there is this anecdote from “Uncle John’s 24 Karat Gold Bathroom Reader” (c) 2011:
“Sometime in the 1970’s, he reportedly advised novelist Kingsley Amis to start writing children’s books. “That’s where the money is” he told Amis. “I don’t think I enjoyed children’s books much when I was a child,” Amis replied. “I’ve got no feeling for that kind of thing.” “Never mind,” said Dahl. “The little bastards’d swallow it anyway.”

SCOOBY-DOO DAY
“Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!”, the first incarnation of the long-running Hanna-Barbera cartoon series, debuted on CBS-TV on September 13, 1969.

SNACK A PICKLE TIME

September is:

Baby Safety Month
Better Breakfast Month
Chicken Month
Classical Music Month
Fall Hat Month
Hispanic Heritage Month
Honey Month
International Square Dancing Month
Little League Month
National Blueberry Popsicle Month
National Courtesy Month
National Piano Month
Self Improvement Month
Full list is here:
http://www.holidays-and-observances.com/september-holidays.html

CELEBRITIES

FOR $50,000, GENE SIMMONS OF KISS WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE

Gene Simmons has announced his long-gestating box set – called The Vault – is ready. The 150-song collection of “never-released-before songs written and performed by Simmons,” which features “notable rock ‘n’ roll artists including members of Kiss past and present,” won’t be available in stores. The set is being sold exclusively online, and each copy will be delivered to you personally by Simmons in one of three expensive ways.
1. For $2,000, you can attend one of 21 “Vault Experience” events across the world. In addition to the personalized and autographed box set – which is “packaged in a massive 12” x 12” x 6” leather-bound commemorative book featuring dozens of never-seen-before images of Simmons over his 50-year career” – fans will be treated to a “songs and stories” playback and Q&A session, and granted one-on-one photo, autograph and video time with Simmons.
2. For $25,000 (* Wow, that escalated quickly.) you can attend one of 11 “Producer Experience” events, which includes everything above plus “an intimate hour in a recording studio with Gene listening to tracks from The Vault” and an executive producer’s credit on the set itself.
3. For $50,000, Simmons will deliver all those goodies right to your home, where you and up to 25 friends can spend two hours with him.
* Wait – are we talking about Gene Simmons, the idiot from KISS?
* And this is for his solo stuff? With KISS, the whole was always greater than the sum of its parts. Although Gene Simmons can be a real whole.
* Remember, this is a 68-year-old man coming to your house, so be polite and offer him tea and a nice onion bagel with a schmear.
* You can switch “Gene Simmons” to “Donald Trump” and “150-song collection” to “copies of his 150 best deals” and it’s totally believable.
* PHONE TOPIC: If you have $50,000 to pay for some famous person to come to your house, who would it be? Remember – you gotta spend the money.

ENTERTAINMENT

AUDIO: ESPN MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL SIDELINE REPORTER CAN’T EVEN

If you watched ESPN’s Monday Night Football game between the Denver Broncos and the What-City-Are-They-From-Again Chargers, you might have watched how the announcing team threw it to ESPN sideline reporter Sergio Dipp late in the first quarter. Dipp either wasn’t ready for the toss, or else he had never seen a football game before, because for 30 seconds he stumbled his way through by talking about watching the Broncos new coach, Vance Joseph. The internet exploded, with many in Twitter making fun of him, and many more eagerly anticipating his next report.
* Which should come, oh, in about … never.
* He was about as articulate as Tarzan.
* “Me watch coach Vance Johnson on field! You watch him now on the screen! Where Jane with my beer?”
* Shouldn’t have had that second cup of coffee, Sergio.
* He sounds like a puppy.
* Maybe his next job will be reporting from the sidelines of the Puppy Bowl.
CLIP: What an exciting game. Let’s check with Sergio Dipp down on the sidelines. Sergio?
CLIP URL: http://morningsidekick.com/prep/wp-content/uploads/09-13-ESPNReporterMeltdown.mp3

AUDIO: STAR WARS EXERCISE EQUIPMENT

Vitamin supplement line Onnit has launched a collection of Star Wars-themed fitness equipment. The items include a Death Star slam ball (or medicine ball), a yoga mat that looks like Han Solo in carbon-freeze, and 50-, 60- and 70-pound iron kettlebells shaped like Darth Vader. The equipment available for pre-order at Onnit.com/StarWars/
* Join the resistance … training!
* Don’t start with the 70-pound kettlebells. That’s a Wookiee mistake.
* Want to toss the medicine ball around? Do or do not. There is no try.
* “I sense a disturbance in my lats and deltoids.”
* Sure – sit on Han Solo’s face in yoga pants doing the lotus position.
* Just like Star Wars movies, you’ll get real excited about exercise for a couple weeks, then lose interest for 3 years.
CLIP: By the end of your Star Wars workout, they guaranty you’ll be breathing like this:
CLIP URL: http://morningsidekick.com/prep/wp-content/uploads/DarthVaderBreathing.mp3

AUDIO: THE 10TH ANNIVERSARY OF “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE”

(Note: this piece is largely commentary from Morning Sidekick. Maybe it will launch a discussion.)
It has been pointed out that this is the 10th Anniversary of the infamous “Leave Britney Alone” YouTube video. In case you missed it, ten years ago was a crazy time for celebrity. In 2007, TMZ had been around for two years and discovered the secret for success: obsessive reporting of young women who were seemingly desperate to do anything to be in the public eye. It was the era of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, and Pamela Anderson was trying to revive her career. Anna Nicole Smith had died from an overdose of prescription drugs. Lindsay Lohan was starting to head down that same path. And then … there was Britney Spears, a young singer (* debatable!) mentally unprepared to deal with the pressure of record producers looking for another hit, P.R. agents desperate to keep her name out there, and the constant crush of paparazzi from organizations such as TMZ. Everything Britney did was covered by the press:
– Spears had married childhood friend Jason Allen Alexander, and the marriage was annulled 55 hours later.
– She met married Kevin Federline after three months, and had two kids.
– She was photographed driving with her son, Sean, on her lap instead of in a car seat, and the internet pounced with negative reaction.
– She lost custody of her kids.
– She was in and out of several rehabs, covered intensly by the tabloid press.
– She shaved her head. She was obviously having a breakdown.
– And then came Chris Crocker’s infamous Leave Britney Alone video. A very emotional, and creepy looking, Crocker defending his idol Britney Spears, screaming “Leave Britney alone!” was viewed over 35 million times.
Whatever happened to Chris Crocker? These days, as well as being a YouTube personality, Crocker has released music and filmed several gay porn productions.
* So things turned out pretty well for everybody, no?
* There we are. Tune in tomorrow for “The Rise of the Kardashians.”
* I’m not a member of Team Crocker. I’m Team Trollolo.
* These things tend to feed on each other, so be looking for a YouTube video: “Hitler Finds Out ‘Leave Britney Alone’ Is Ten Years Old.”
CLIP: A bit of “Leave Britney alone!” (edited) The “leave her alone” part comes at the end.
CLIP URL: http://morningsidekick.com/prep/wp-content/uploads/09-12-LeaveBritneyAlone.mp3

THE BUZZ

NEW FEATURES OF THE APPLE WATCH

The new Apple Watch Series 3 was announced Tuesday. The new watch will have a cellular antenna that will let users make calls, browse apps, and listen to music from their wrist – you don’t have to have your iPhone nearby. Company COO Jeff Williams noted that with the new technology:
– You can receive calls with just the watch. It will use the same phone number as your iPhone and will kick into action when it senses it’s far enough from the phone it’s linked to.
– You can leave your phone when you go to the beach or run a quick errand.
– The processor will be 70 percent faster, and a new operating system will include upgraded health monitoring features.
– Starting next March, it will be able to stream iTunes music.
The Series 3 will cost $399, and carriers AT&T, Verizon, Sprint and T-Mobile will support it. A non-cellular version will be available for $329.
The watch is expected to ship Sept. 22.
* What if I’m nowhere near the beach?
* Now you can talk into your wrist without everybody thinking you’re a Secret Service agent.
* It streams music? “Hey, what time is it?” “A quarter past Twenty One Pilots.”
* Does the watch come in iPad size?

THE NEW iPHONE 10

Apple also unveiled the much-hyped iPhone X Tuesday. Features include:
– No more home button
– An edge-to-edge display
– An animoji app that tracks 50 facial muscle movements to create your own emojis
– Wireless charging
– Face ID to unlock the iPhone X. It unlocks after recognizing your face and only when you look directly at it. It won’t unlock if you’re facing away. Apple claims there’s a 1 in 1,000,000 chance that a random person with a similar face could unlock your iPhone X.
– The iPhone X starts at $999 and pre-orders start October 27. They ship November 3.
* I give hackers a week to figure out how to hack facial recognition.
* Uh – how do you use it in the dark?
* What if you have a beard, and then shave? What if you’re in a car accident, your face is disfigured, but you’re alone and you have to call for help? Remember Hookman!
* It also won’t work on Halloween.
* On the bright side, you don’t have to worry about the iPhone X not recognizing you when you get older. By then we’ll be up to iPhone XXIII.

SLEEP BETTER WITH A DOG

A new study finds that sleeping with your dog may actually help you sleep better. Mayo Clinic researchers conducted a study to see whether a dog’s presence in the bedroom would disturb a person’s sleep. The study observed 40 healthy adults without sleep disorders occupying the same bedroom as their dogs, who were no younger than 6 months old, for seven nights. All subjects wore an accelerometer that tracked sleep activity. The findings showed that those who let their dogs sleep in their bedrooms had an easier time sleeping than those who did not.
* So, dog farts actually work as a narcotic?
* Since when did the Mayo Clinic start doing junk science?
* Maybe somebody over there is running a puppy mill.
* Or has shares in Petco or PetSmart.
* You’ll sleep better – until 5 a.m., when the dog needs to go out.
* Hmm – did they ever study how well people sleep whose bedroom is also occupied by a blow-up doll?
* It’s a joke, folks. Seriously.

MOVING: A SURVEY

A new survey on moving, commissioned by Duck Brand duct tape, has come up with these statistics:
– The average American has moved five times in their life, typically living in three separate apartments and two single-family homes.
– 20 percent have had roommates who steal their food.
– More than a third have unfairly lost all or part of their deposit.
– 45 percent have experienced a bad landlord.
– 50 percent have had to suffer living in a neighborhood they don’t like.
– A change in relationship status is the most likely factor to prompt a move, followed by downsizing or an upgrade to the house and/or area lived in. Financial issues proved the third most common reason for Americans to move home. (* You mean, they don’t go back home ’cause they love their parents?)
– Americans take, on average, 182 days to finally unpack their last box after moving into a new home.
* It took me a lot longer ’cause of that damn duct tape.
* This means I still have to move two more times! No, God, no!!!
* A change in relationship status is the most likely factor to prompt a move? Another survey taken before Harvey and Irma hit.
* I once had a roommate who kept stealing all of my food. It was horrible. Finally, the kid went off to college. -OR- That’s why I divorced him/her.
PHONE TOPIC: What is the incident that made you say, “Well, there goes the damage deposit!”?

U.S. NEWS

PIZZA HUT MANAGER WOULDN’T LET WORKERS EVACUATE EARLY

A memo written last week by the manager of a Pizza Hut in Jacksonville, Florida, has gone viral. The written statement tells workers they can’t blow off work without more than one day’s notice just because a hurricane is coming. Part of the message reads: “If evacuating, you will have a 24-hour period before storm ‘grace period’ to not be scheduled. You cannot evacuate Friday for a Tuesday storm event! Failure to show for these shifts, regardless of reason, will be considered a no call/no show and documentation will be issued.” A Pizza Hut corporate rep said the franchise manager was wrong to try to limit employee evacuation. “We absolutely do not have a policy that dictates when team members can leave or return from a disaster, and the manager who posted this letter did not follow company guidelines.”
* That manager was acting like he was some kind of Little Caesar.
* Never mind Hurricane Irma – this manager REALLY blows.
* How about they evacuate him from his job?
* You’ve been hit by a hurricane, and you come back to Pizza Hut pizza. Talk about adding insult to injury.
* Pizza Hut thinking they’re God’s gift to a community hit by disaster! Who do they think they are, Waffle House?
* PHONE TOPIC: My Mean Old Boss! Has your boss ever issued a ridiculous rule?

UTAH TEACHER GIVES CLASS “DECENCY QUIZ”

A Utah high school teacher has been placed on administrative leave after giving students a questionnaire that scored them based on their sex lives and drug use. The teacher gave 11the graders at Roy High School, about 30 miles north of Salt Lake City, the 30-question survey as part of an “Adult Roles” course. The course’s intention is to teach students about human relationships and financial literacy. The questionaire appears to come from a 1981 Dear Abby column. Some of the questions:
– “Ever gone totally steady?”
– “Ever been kissed?”
– “Ever been French kissed?”
– “Ever parked for more than an hour?”
– “Ever said ‘I love you’ to more than one person in the same week?”
– “Ever been kissed while in a reclining position?”
– “Ever made a member of the opposite sex cry?”
– “Do you drink alcohol or beer every day?”
– “Have you ever had sex without using a contraceptive?”
– “Have you ever slipped angel dust into someone’s drink?”
– “Even though you are straight, would you go kinky to see what it’s like?
– “Have you ever had an abortion?”
– “Have you had more than one abortion?”
At the end, you add up your score. The ratings:
– A nerd – just where you should be at your age.
– Pure as Ivory soap and maybe a fruitcake.
– Passionate but sensible.
– Normal and decent.
– Indecent.
– Headed for serious trouble.
– Already there.
– Hopeless and condemned.
* Less than a month into the school year, and we have our first Nitwit American Teacher story. It’s gonna be a long year.
* And we could have guessed about the “administrative leave.” They never get fired. These people protect their own.
* Oh my God, I’m in my (30’s/40’s/50’s) and I only rate a sensible on these questions!
* Oh my God, I remember ‘parking’?
* “Have you ever slipped angel dust into someone’s drink?” Those are some tough 11th graders!
* You could maybe be a “fruitcake”? Shame on you, Dear Abby!
* The teacher should have gone with one of those Cosmo magazine quizzes. They’re much more scientific.
* This is the wrong teacher for a class called “Adult Roles.”

MAN IN PANDA SUIT STEALS PELLET RIFLE

Police in Williston, Vermont (* What ‘chu talkin’ about, Williston?) say a young man walked into a Dicks Sporting Goods and looked at an air rifle, but left without buying it. He told employees he’d be back to buy it. Later, at about 8:20 p.m. Monday, the guy walked into the store wearing a panda costume (* How do they know it’s the same guy?), picked up the airsoft rifle and ran out of the store without paying for it. Police responded, but were unable to locate the suspect.
* Did they check the bamboo thatch?
* It was pandamonium!
* Cutest robbery ever.
* So there are two Dicks in this story.
* I thought monkeys were the kleptos of the animal kingdom?
* Police have the security tape. It’s all there in black and white.

PENIS GRAFFITI LEADS TO BRAWL

A motorist got a beating Tuesday morning in the Lincoln Tunnel after he spray-painted a penis on the side of a box truck during a confrontation with its driver. It began on the New Jersey side of the tunnel at about 9:30 a.m., when the two drivers nearly crashed into each other. They started arguing and kept it up as the two vehicles rolled through the tunnel. Once they reached a red light on the New York side of the tunnel, the motorist in the car jumped out and drew a wiener on the truck. The box truck driver jumped out swinging. Port Authority police arrived and stopped the fight. One of the men was arrested.
* Not everybody appreciates Banksy.
* Did they have to say “beating”?
* That guy had the entire length of the Holland Tunnel to think, “I know what I’ll do. Where’s that can of spray paint I always keep in my car?”
* Entering the tunnel is how he got the idea.

NY PIZZA FESTIVAL SCAM

A Pizza Festival was advertised in Brooklyn, New York, last Saturday promising to give people “an eclectic tasting of the best pizza in NYC. There will be pizza for taste buds of all types!” the event page stated. Tickets for the event cost between $36 and $75. But guests arrived at what they called a “shady parking lot” with empty tents and hardly any food for hungry attendees. People waited hours in line just to discover there weren’t enough slices, and people who got one received a piece smaller than their palm. And, it was cold. The event organizer, Ishmael Osekre, blamed “untimely delivery of food.”
* Oh, the humanity!
* So cheesy.
* This tops everything.
* Even Pizza Rat was disappointed.
* I hope this Ishmael Osekre doesn’t give all Italian pizza makers a bad name.
* It’s a real shame, because there are so few places to find pizza in New York.

INTERNATIONAL NEWS

ANOTHER BRITISH FATBERG

Sewage workers in London have found a 130-ton ball of congealed fat clogging a Victorian-era sewer. They’re calling it a “monster fatberg”. Engineers expect it will take up to three-weeks to remove the rock-solid mass of festering food fat mixed with sanitary wipes. Matt Rimmer, Thames Water’s head of waste, said, “It’s basically like trying to break up concrete. It’s frustrating as these situations are totally avoidable and caused by fat, oil and grease being washed down sinks and wipes flushed down the loo.” An eight-member crew is removing an average of 20 to 30 tons a day, using high-powered jet hoses to break up the mass which is then sucked out into tankers. This monster fatberg easily eclipses the one found in 2013 in Kingston, southwest London, which weighed 15 tons and took ten days to clear up.
* Enjoy the rest of your breakfast, folks!
* How did it happen? Kevin James had a layover at Heathrow and had some bacon and eggs.
* Monster Fatberg would make a good villain in the next Guardians of the Galaxy movie.
* Wait – Monster Fatberg is Jabba the Hutt’s hip-hop name.
* Speaking of congealed fat clogging a sewer, how’s Congress doing moving those tax cuts through the system?

TV TONIGHT

ABC – “American Housewife” – Fun fact: When they were making the pilot, this show was called “The Second Fattest Housewife In Westport”.

CBS – “Salvation” – Darius, Grace and Harris join forces to prove the president was murdered. Aren’t we getting a little off-topic from the whole “asteroid is coming” thing?

NBC – “Marlon” – On their first wedding anniversary since their divorce, Marlon and Ashley rehash the details of their first date. Always a good time.

NBC – “Midnight, Texas” – It’s like “Supernatural”, but the scenery naver changes.

FOX – “MasterChef” – The Semi-Finals. Please, curb your enthusiasm.

A & E – “The Lowe Files” – Rob and the boys visit two specialists in Santa Barbara, Calif., to master the top-secret art of remote viewing. And thanks to my remote, I won’t be viewing.

CNBC – “Shark Tank” – Stuffed animals that also serve as washcloths. Possibly the grossest product ever pitched.

ALMANAC

NOTABLE DATES, UPCOMING U.S. OBSERVANCES

Sept. 15, Friday – POW/MIA Recognition Day
Sept. 22, Friday – The First Day of Autumn (Fall Equinox is 4:02 P.M. EDT)
Oct. 9, Monday – Columbus Day
Oct. 16, Monday – National Boss Day
Oct. 24, Tuesday – United Nations Day
Oct. 31, Tuesday – Halloween

BIRTHDAYS

Niall Horan (singer, One Direction) … 24
Fiona Apple (singer/songwriter) … 40
Joe Don Rooney (guitarist with Rascal Flatts) … 42
Stella McCartney (fashion designer, daughter of Paul & Linda) … 46
Tyler Perry (actor, producer, director, screenwriter, playwright, author, songwriter) … 48
Randy Jones (singer with the Village People – the Cowboy) … 65
Peter Cetera (frontman with Chicago) … 73
Jacqueline Bisset (actress) … 73
David Clayton-Thomas (singer with Blood, Sweat & Tears) … 76

BIRTHDAY QUOTE QUIZ – Ask your listeners “Who said it?” HINT: Today’s their birthday!

“Come on. I got drunk when I was like 5.”

(A) Lindsey Lohan
(B) David Hasselhoff
(C) Fiona Apple

ANSWER: (C) Fiona Apple

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

1992 – A Russian couple placed an ad in their local paper wanting to swap their new-born baby for a bigger house.
* Wow – and I though MY down payment was severe!

1971 – American Wayne Rollings broke a world record when he did 17,000 sit-ups in seven hours and 27 minutes.
* He then promised his gym coach he wouldn’t forget his athletic supporter next time.

1899 – The first known fatality involving an automobile occurred in New York City, NY.
* Followed by the first known auto fatality lawsuit.

1898 – Celluloid film was patented on this date in 1898 by Hannibal Goodwin.
* A huge step forward for porn.

1886 – George K. Anderson patented the typewriter ribbon.
* Whatever that is.

1789 – The United States Government took out its first loan.
* And we’ve been in hock ever since.

THIS DAY IN MUSIC HISTORY

2010 – George Michael was sent to jail for eight weeks after being convicted of driving under the influence of drugs and possessing cannabis in Hampstead, north London. He smiled in disbelief as the sentence was passed and he was led away to the cells.

2000 – Elton John threw a tantrum when he was set to appear at a sold-out show at the Estoril Casino near Lisbon. Elton was unhappy after the audience was slow in leaving a VIP dinner before the concert. Elton left the building and flew home on his private jet without playing a note.

1999 – Beverly Hills police officer Marcelo Rodriguez filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against George Michael, alleging that the singer committed slander in his song and video for “Outside,” as well as through numerous television interviews. Rodriguez was the officer who arrested Michael on charges of lewd behavior in a public park in April, 1998.

1998 – Lauryn Hill started a five-week run at No.1 on the U.S. album chart with “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill”.

1997 – Mariah Carey started a three-week run at No.1 on the U.S. singles chart with “Honey”, her 12th U.S. No.1 and third single to debut at No.1.

1996 – Rapper Tupac Shakur died while in intensive care. The Death Row Records star had been shot four times in a gangster-style drive-by shooting in Las Vegas six days earlier.

1985 – Sting began his first solo tour in San Diego.

X-TREME TRIVIA CHALLENGE

Every installment of X-Treme Trivia Challenge includes three mystery factoids. Create your own “Impossible Question” contest – great for listener giveaways and phone interaction starters!

1. According to a new study, spending two hours a day or more doing THIS makes you dumber. What is it?
Spending two hours a day or more in the car

2. According to a new survey, 63% of people said that THIS is a factor when they buy a new car. What is it?
Their dog’s preferences

3. It’s dangerous, but 70% of people surveyed say they do THIS while driving. What is it?
Eating

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