PRESIDENT OF UNITED AIRLINES APOLOGIZES

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz, after some initial corporate doublespeak over the manhandling of a paying passenger on one of his planes, finally issued an apology on Tuesday. In a letter made public, Munoz wrote, in part:
“The truly horrific event that occurred on this flight has elicited many responses from all of us: outrage, anger, disappointment. I share all of those sentiments, and one above all: my deepest apologies for what happened. Like you, I continue to be disturbed by what happened on this flight and I deeply apologize to the customer forcibly removed and to all the customers aboard. No one should ever be mistreated this way. I want you to know that we take full responsibility and we will work to make it right.
“It’s never too late to do the right thing. I have committed to our customers and our employees that we are going to fix what’s broken so this never happens again. This will include a thorough review of crew movement, our policies for incentivizing volunteers in these situations, how we handle oversold situations and an examination of how we partner with airport authorities and local law enforcement. We’ll communicate the results of our review by April 30th. I promise you we will do better. Sincerely, Oscar”.
* He sure sounds like one sorry individual.
* “Now would everybody please let our stock go back up to the number it was before all this happened?”
* The whole thing makes Oscar look like a wiener.
* “I share all of those sentiments, and one above all: my deepest anxiety over our inevitable out-of-court settlement.”
* “No one should ever be mistreated this way.” And United would know, because like all airlines they have tons of other ways to mistreat people.
* While you’re at it, can you fix your seats? They feel like you’re sitting on a sponge glued to a piece of plywood.
* The plane actually had four perfectly good empty seats the traveling crew could have used, two mid-cabin, two in the back. They’re called airplane toilets.
* I love how the CEO makes the initial remarks, then they blow up so he goes into deep grovel mode.
* He concluded his apology by beating himself on the back with a metal chain.
* Yes, there was outrage, anger and disappointment about this, but that’s true of just about every flight we go on. This? This was different.
* The CEO also added that from now on, extra passengers would be shot with a tranquilizer gun so they don’t get hurt during the de-boarding process.