ACTUAL VOICEMAIL MESSAGES

“My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.”

“A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.”

“Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.”

“Hi. Now you say something.”

“Hi! John’s voicemail is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

“Hello, you are talking to voicemail. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need windows, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”

“This is not voicemail – this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.”

“Hi. I am probably available, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

“Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.”

“Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t take your call right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right… real slowly. So leave a message, and we’ll get back to you when we’re done brushing our teeth.”