THOUGHTS TO PONDER

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

And whose cruel idea was it to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him … is he still wrong?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Personally, I think the best winter tires are the ones on the zambonii machine.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If all the world’s a stage, where is the green room?

What if the birds and the bees started doing it with one another?

If life were truly logical, it would be men who would ride side-saddle.

How come no one minds if Barney dances through a playground full of kids with no clothes on, but when I do it, it’s a problem?

The weirdest feeling is when someone recognizes you from behind. Just what the hell were they looking at?

If people who work at carnivals are called carnies, then shouldn’t people who work at fairs be fairies?

If a turtle loses it’s shell … is it homeless, or naked?

Veterinarians and taxidermists are basically in the same business. Either way, you get your dog back.

Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone and you are God.

Happiness is like wetting your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.

If the customer is always right, then what the hell are salesmen for?

If I say something really stupid, I’m being insipid. But if I say something really smart, am I being sipid?

Guns don’t kill people; that big hole from the bullet does.

Where does the white go when the snow melts?