ASSAULT WITH A POOPER SCOOPER
Woman hits boyfriend.
TOWN HOLDS PITY PARTY
“It’s sad for the whole family!”
PRISONER NEARLY ESCAPES WITH THREAD AND TOOTHPASTE
He’d nearly sawed through the iron bar.
AUDIO: WOMAN HAS TAPEWORMS … IN HER BRAINNNNN
Tapeworm larvae sacs.
BURGLAR LEAVES CELL PHONE, KEYS AT SCENE OF THE CRIME
And comes back for them.
MAN SHOOTS MIRROR WHILE TAKING A SELFIE
His right hand doesn’t know what his left is doing.
FOOT SNIFFER ARRESTED
He crawled under library tables smelling feet.
7-ELEVEN DELIVERS DATE PACK
Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, a Hershey bar, a can of Red Bull, gum and condoms.
GUANTANAMO PRISONER HAS MATCH.COM DATING PROFILE
A prisoner of love.
MAN STABS SELF WHILE SHOPLIFTING
Damn those blisterpacks.