CHICAGO WOMAN LEADS SEX STRIKE OVER GUN VIOLENCE
Until the men put down their guns.
SUSPECT SNORTS HEROIN PULLED OUT OF BUTT
His own butt, but still.
DRUNK WOMAN IN A GREASE DUMPSTER
With her pants down.
MAN KILLED BY DOG HE ADOPTED HOURS EARLIER
Rottweiller.
COP ISSUES HIMSELF A PARKING TICKET
But it wasn’t his fault. Uh huh.
FIRST-GRADER TRIES TO STAB TEACHER WITH SCISSORS
He also tried to damage computers.
MAN STABBED FOR EATING ALL THE SALSA
But maybe also for being a registered sex offender.
BANANAS USED IN DARING SHOPLIFTING RAID
He threw a bunch of bananas at an employee .
DOLLAR STORE CLERK SHRIEKS AT CUSTOMERS TO GET OUT
The kids were causing a ruckus.
WIDOWER RETURNS WIFE'S AWARD TO GLAMOUR MAGAZINE
Because they also gave one to Caitlyn Jenner.