Did you hear about the weatherman who broke both his arms and both his legs?
Everybody watched his forecasts.
Why do birds and pigs go to different doctors?
Because birds need tweetment and pigs need oinkment
Guy is in the operating room, ready for surgery.
Doctor comes in, says, “It’s okay, Richard. You’ll be fine, RIchard. You can get through this, “Richard.” The patient says, “My name’s not Richard.” The doctor says, “I know. My name’s Richard.”
What did Santa Claus say on his 50th Birthday?
I’m having a midlife Christmas!!
My father was born with a conjoined twin, but they were separated at birth.
Yeah, I have an uncle, once removed.
A lumberjack said he chopped down EXACTLY 56,742 trees.
I asked, “How do you know that?” He said, “I keep a log.”
Why do doctors like to tap your knee with a rubber hammer?
They get a kick out of it.
Did you hear about the man who evaporated?
He’ll be mist.