Did you hear about the woman who passed out on the merry-go-round?
She’s coming around now.
Pirate walks into a bar.
He has a roll of paper towels on his head. The bartender asks, “what’s with the roll of paper towels on your head?”
Pirate says, “Arr, there’s Bounty on me head.”
Boss says, “Kid, I’m sorry, you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
Kid goes, “Was it something I said?”
Boss says, “Yes”.
What celebrity gives colonoscopies?
Cameron Diaz.
Psychiatrist has a new patient.
He tells him, “I have to do an assessment about your habits. Do you drink?”
The patient says, “No.” “Smoke?” “No.” “Do drugs?” “No.” “Cheat on your wife?” “Never.” “Amazing,” says the shrink. “Any bad habits at all?” The patient says, “Yeah. Lying.”
Did you hear about the man who died after he fell into a vat of coffee?
At least it was instant.
Psychiatrist has a new patient.
Says, “I have to do an assessment about your habits. Do you drink?”
The patient says, “No.” “Smoke?” “No.” “Do drugs?” “No.” “Cheat on your wife?” “Never.” “Amazing,” says the shrink. “Any bad habits at all?” The patient says, “Yeah. Lying.”
A doctor amputates a guy’s finger.
Guy asks, “Can still write with that hand?”
Doctor says, “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”