Why was the baby jalapeño shivering?
He was a little chili!
What is the Cookie Monster’s favorite rock band?
Oreo Speedwagon.
A couple gets married.
The husband says, “Let’s put a dollar in this jar every time we make love. Then we’ll count it on our first anniversary.” A year later, they empty the jar and there’s a lot of money. A bunch of singles, and quite a few 10’s and 20’s. Husband says, “Where did the 10’s and 20’s come from?” Wife says, “Not everybody’s as cheap as you.”
A man in a wheelchair goes to the grotto of Lourdes, France, where the Virgin Mary appeared.
There is a pool of holy water. The man rolls up to the pool, praying “Hail Mary, please perform a miracle for me,” rolls into the pool and out the other side. Then he tries to stand up but can’t. He asks the priest “Father, why Mary didn’t answered my prayer?” The priest says, “Oh, but a miracle has happened, look at your wheelchair. It has new wheels”
Did you hear about the man who died trying to climb Mt. Everest?
They just found Himalayan there.
What happens when a frog runs out of gas?
It has to be toad.
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident.
Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither one is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.” The rabbi says, “And look – another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest says, “Aren’t you having any?” The rabbi says, “No…l think I’ll wait for the police.”
Kid comes home from school.
Dad says, “How was school?” Kid says, “The teacher asked a question, and I was the only one who raised my hand.” Dad says, “That’s amazing! What was the question?” Kid says, “Who broke the window?”
A guy’s talking to a girl in a bar.
She notices a big bulge in his pants pocket. She says, “What’s that? He says, “Oh – golf ball.” She says, “Oh, that must hurt. I once had tennis elbow.
An evangelist says to the crowd, “Is there anyone here who wishes to be healed?”
An old man on crutches hobbles up. “My name is Fred, and I would like to be able to walk again.” The evangelist says, “Bless you, Fred, please wait behind that curtain. Is there anyone else who wishes to be healed?”
Another man comes up. “M-m-my name is P-P-Patrick, and I w-w-would like to lose my s-s-stutter.” Evangelist says, “Bless you, Patrick, please wait behind the curtain.” Then he says, “I want everyone here to pray for those two believers behind the curtain.” After ten minutes, the evangelist calls out, “Fred! Throw your crutches over the curtain!” A pair of crutches come flying over the curtain. “Praise the lord!” says the evangelist, “Patrick, please say something!” And Patrick says, “F-F-Fred f-f-fell down.”