Where does Superman buy his groceries?
At the supermarket.
Did you hear about the clumsy girl who fell in love?
She falls for everyone.
What did the alien cat say when it landed on Earth?
Take me to your litter.
Why don’t football players wear glasses?
It’s a contact sport.
Did you hear about the weatherman who broke both his arms and both his legs?
Everybody watched his forecasts.
Why do birds and pigs go to different doctors?
Because birds need tweetment and pigs need oinkment
Guy is in the operating room, ready for surgery.
Doctor comes in, says, “It’s okay, Richard. You’ll be fine, RIchard. You can get through this, “Richard.” The patient says, “My name’s not Richard.” The doctor says, “I know. My name’s Richard.”
What did Santa Claus say on his 50th Birthday?
I’m having a midlife Christmas!!
My father was born with a conjoined twin, but they were separated at birth.
Yeah, I have an uncle, once removed.