How much wine did the old Spanish sailors drink?
Galleons and Galleons.
This guy’s father dies, so he goes to the undertaker.
Tells him he wants the best of everything for his father. The funeral the funeral is absolutely beautiful, and the guy is very pleased.
Then he gets a bill for $16,000, and he pays it. The next month, he gets another bill for $85. He figures it’s a supplemental charge bill, so he pays that, too. Next month, another bill for $85 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, “I keep getting these bills for 85 dollars. I thought I paid for the funeral already.” The undertaker says, “You said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tux.”
Did you hear about the woman who passed out on the merry-go-round?
She’s coming around now.
Pirate walks into a bar.
He has a roll of paper towels on his head. The bartender asks, “what’s with the roll of paper towels on your head?”
Pirate says, “Arr, there’s Bounty on me head.”
Boss says, “Kid, I’m sorry, you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
Kid goes, “Was it something I said?”
Boss says, “Yes”.
What celebrity gives colonoscopies?
Cameron Diaz.
Psychiatrist has a new patient.
He tells him, “I have to do an assessment about your habits. Do you drink?”
The patient says, “No.” “Smoke?” “No.” “Do drugs?” “No.” “Cheat on your wife?” “Never.” “Amazing,” says the shrink. “Any bad habits at all?” The patient says, “Yeah. Lying.”
Did you hear about the man who died after he fell into a vat of coffee?
At least it was instant.
Psychiatrist has a new patient.
Says, “I have to do an assessment about your habits. Do you drink?”
The patient says, “No.” “Smoke?” “No.” “Do drugs?” “No.” “Cheat on your wife?” “Never.” “Amazing,” says the shrink. “Any bad habits at all?” The patient says, “Yeah. Lying.”