90-year-old man walks up to a pretty woman at a bar.
He says, “So, do I come here often?”
Guy walks into a bar and says, “My wife must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
The bartender says,, “What makes you say that?” Guy says, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. She was so thrilled to have me around, that every time the mailman or a delivery man came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
Why did the jelly bean go to school?
Because he really wanted to be a Smartie.
How did the magician get chocolate on his shirt?
He had some Twix up his sleeve.
Wife says, “You need to do more chores around the house.”
He husband says, “Can we change the subject?”
Wife says, “Alright. More chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Why did the Easter egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Guy goes to the doctor.
He says, I was bitten by a wolf.”
Doctors asks, “Where?”
Guy says, “No, just a regular wolf.”
Did you hear about the yardstick company?
They’re not making them any longer.
Jetliner is taxiing out to the runway, suddenly it turns around back to the gate.
They sit at the gate for two hours, then they finally take off. A passenger asks the attendant, “What was the problem?
Attendant says, “The pilot was bothered by a strange noise in the engine, and it took two hours to find a different pilot.”
What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Land Rover?
Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball over 300 yards.