Why did the guy quit playing the triangle in the reggae band?
Because it was the same ting over and over.
Guy goes to a psychiatrist.
He says, “I had a weird dream this morning. I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. It was so weird that I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. So I got up, made myself a slice of toast and came straight here. Can you tell me the meaning of my dream?” The psychiatrist says, “One slice of toast? You call that a breakfast?”
What do you call a dog that’s deaf and blind?
Old Helen Yeller.
Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed.
A baseball scout found a remarkable prospect:
… a horse who was a pretty good fielder and who hit the ball every time he was up at bat. The scout got him a try-out with a big league team. Up at bat, the horse slams the ball far into left field. Then he just stands at the plate, watching it go. The manager screamed, “Run! Run!” Horse says, “Are you kidding? If I could run, I’d be in the Kentucky Derby.”
Where do boxers go to get treatment for their injuries?
Medicine Square Garden.
How much wine did the old Spanish sailors drink?
Galleons and Galleons.
This guy’s father dies, so he goes to the undertaker.
Tells him he wants the best of everything for his father. The funeral the funeral is absolutely beautiful, and the guy is very pleased.
Then he gets a bill for $16,000, and he pays it. The next month, he gets another bill for $85. He figures it’s a supplemental charge bill, so he pays that, too. Next month, another bill for $85 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, “I keep getting these bills for 85 dollars. I thought I paid for the funeral already.” The undertaker says, “You said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tux.”