What does the ice cream man say when he makes a mistake?
Scoops!
A guy watches two men working in a park.
The first digs a hole, and the second one comes along and fills it in. They walk to a new spot, the first digs another hole, and the second guy fills it in. After the 4th time, the guy goes up to the workmen and says, What are you doing?” The first man says, “There’s usually 3 of us, but the guy who puts the tree in the hole called in sick this morning.”
What were Mr. Peanut’s last words?
“I’ll be back in a Jif.”
An old married couple are rocking on the front porch.
Suddenly, the old woman smacks her cane across the old man’s lap. He says, “What the hell was that for?” She says, “That’s for 56 years of terrible sex!” They get back to rocking. Suddenly, the old man raises his cane and smacks the old woman across the lap. She yells “What the hell was that for?” He says, “That’s for knowing the difference.”
Why did the man have stir fry food all over his bed?
He’d been sleep wokking.
How do you know that your teenager is depressed?
You take her to her favorite restaurant, and she barely takes a picture of food.
What’s the secret to making dog biscuits?
Collie flour.
Guy walks up to Pablo Picasso.
He says, “Pablo! How’re ya doin’? Remember me?
Picasso says, “I’m sorry, I’m not good with faces.”
How did a lady with black hair go to a baseball game and come home with blonde hair?
She was sitting in the bleachers.