A lumberjack said he chopped down EXACTLY 56,742 trees.
I asked, “How do you know that?” He said, “I keep a log.”
Why do doctors like to tap your knee with a rubber hammer?
They get a kick out of it.
Did you hear about the man who evaporated?
He’ll be mist.
Why was the baby jalapeño shivering?
He was a little chili!
What is the Cookie Monster’s favorite rock band?
Oreo Speedwagon.
A couple gets married.
The husband says, “Let’s put a dollar in this jar every time we make love. Then we’ll count it on our first anniversary.” A year later, they empty the jar and there’s a lot of money. A bunch of singles, and quite a few 10’s and 20’s. Husband says, “Where did the 10’s and 20’s come from?” Wife says, “Not everybody’s as cheap as you.”
A man in a wheelchair goes to the grotto of Lourdes, France, where the Virgin Mary appeared.
There is a pool of holy water. The man rolls up to the pool, praying “Hail Mary, please perform a miracle for me,” rolls into the pool and out the other side. Then he tries to stand up but can’t. He asks the priest “Father, why Mary didn’t answered my prayer?” The priest says, “Oh, but a miracle has happened, look at your wheelchair. It has new wheels”
Did you hear about the man who died trying to climb Mt. Everest?
They just found Himalayan there.