STORE CLERK ATTACKED BY VAMPIRE

A Concord, New Hampshire man who claimed he was a vampire is under arrest after allegedly assaulting a grocery store employee early Tuesday morning. Police say a female employee was taking boxes out to the dumpster when a man approached her asking if she needed help. The man, 21-year-old Jacob May, then allegedly claimed he was a vampire and began running towards her, yelling, “Just touch me, I can save you.” He wrapped his arms around her when she fell to the ground. May then attacked another employee who tried to fight him off. When police arrived, May allegedly told a responding officer that he was a “vampire, Ghost Rider, Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean, Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid, and a leader of a band.”
* Talk about mixing up your genres.
* On top of everything else, he never did help with getting the boxes in the dumpster.
* Still, not the weirdest thing to happen in the last 48 hours.
* He also said he was Mr. Magoo from the cartoon series.
* Oh, and both Ren AND Stimpy.
* And did I mention the ghost of Jerry Garcia? That’s the leader of the band reference.
* Well, if he’s a vampire, he’s one very confused vampire.
* Maybe he’s been drinking the blood of schizophrenics?
* Wait, wait, wait – what was he doing out in the daylight? I’m starting to not believe his story.
* Give him some credit: He stays in the vampire character. Now he won’t stop staring at his cellmate’s neck.