MAN POURS URINE, LIQUID POO UNDER NOISY NEIGHBOR'S DOOR

In the Lakeview neighborhood of Chicago, a man poured “liquid feces” under his upstairs neighbor’s apartment door because they were making too much noise. On January 23, a 20-year-old woman reported that liquid poo had been dumped under her apartment door on the 55th floor. The woman had previously caught 29-year-old Alan Clay – who lives below her on the 54th floor – “pouring urine into her unit.” She suspected that Clay was also responsible for the poo blast. At the police station, Clay admitted to doing it, saying that he spoke with the building management about the noise but they failed to take action. He said, “I did prank them with urine. It seemed effective. It was the only way we could communicate.” An officer asked, “What’s up with the [feces]?” Clay responded, “Well, I had to step it up.”
(Note: We’re assuming he used the old college dorm trick: fill a large brown envelope with shaving cream, slip the open end under the door, and stomp on the envelope, spraying the inside of the room with shaving cream.)
* Caught red-handed. Well, not red, exactly.
* Waste not, want not.
* Liquid feces? Sounds like someone needs that new Coke with fiber (see “COCA-COLA: NOW WITH MORE FIBER” in today’s stories).
* “It was the only way we could communicate.” What, with the letter P and the Number 2? What is this, Sesame Street?
* Worst of all, the feces and urine wasn’t his.
* And Lakeview is supposed to be a pretty affluent neighborhood, too.
* I mean it’s not the Gold Coast of Chicago or the Magnificent Mile but still.
* What am I saying? It’s Chicago. Bad stuff can happen anywhere.
* This is what I like about the human species … the way we work things out using kindness and reason.
* Now that it’s starting to escalate, the man wants to buy some liquid elephant dung.