DRUNK SURVEY

In court, the judge says, “I need to make an example of you. I’m sentencing you to spend one day in jail for each apple you stole. That’s seven – seven days in jail.” The man’s wife stands up and says, “Your honor, he also stole a bag of rice.”

It smells like sheet.

Friend says, “I got a dumb sweater.” Guy says, “Well, a sweater’s nice.” Friend says, “Yeah, but I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.”

They slug it out.

The wife says, “Now that you mention it, you do look familiar.”