DRUNK DRIVER EATS TOILET PAPER TO BEAT BREATHALYZER

Police in Iowa City, Iowa, on Sunday pulled over Ross McDonald, 39, after they spotted him driving the wrong way on a one-way street around 3 AM. According to a criminal complaint, McDonald was “extremely confused” and could not tell officers “what bar he was coming from.” McDonald was dressed in a “flasher” costume: “just a trench coat and a piece of cloth that looked like a penis.” Upon arrival at the police precinct, McDonald was given a breathalyzer test. But before the test, he “attempted to eat toilet paper, thinking it would mess with” the Breathalyzer. Despite McDonald’s cunning plan, his blood alcohol content was measured at .165, twice the legal limit.
* First of all, this “flasher” costume sound even worse than the “sexy Donald Trump” costume.
* I went to a lot of stores before Halloween, but I don’t remember seeing “a trench coat and a piece of cloth that looked like a penis.”
* I don’t know if it’s supposed to be a Trick, but it’s sure not a Treat.
* I suppose we should be thankful it was a piece of cloth that looked like a penis, and not the real thing.
* So how exactly was the toilet paper going to “mess with the Breathalyzer”? I’d love to hear this.
* “Extremely confused”? Yeah, and also extremely drunk.
* This is the second crazy toilet paper story we’ve had in a week. This could be a wacky news breaking trend.
* Remember last week when the man attacked his girlfriend for guying the wrong kind of toilet paper? They should give this guy to him as a cellmate.
* The wacky news computer is now forecasting another toilet paper story to emerge next week in … let’s see … Fairbanks, Alaska. We can’t be sure but that’s next.