UNITED AIRLINES NOW OFFERS CLASS BELOW ECONOMY

United Airlines has unveiled its newest flying class: basic economy. What’s basic economy? Take all the glorious benefits of regular economy, and get rid of them. For a low, low fare, here’s what you don’t get:
– You can’t chose your own seat.
– You can’t fly standby
– You can’t re-schedule your flight
– No overhead bin space for you. Passengers can bring a briefcase or small personal item, but it must fit under the seat in front of them. The bins are going to be saved “for our economy passengers, who value that and who are willing to pay for it,” said United’s chief commercial officer Julia Haywood (adding, “You scumbags.”).
– No upgrades. Passengers cannot upgrade to United’s Economy Plus or first class.
– You will board last.
* I kinda like that last one. Less time sitting in those horrendous seats.
* How about just shooting us out of a cannon aimed vaguely in the direction of the city we want to go to?
* It’s called “basic economy,” or, “With your income, you really ought to be taking a bus.”
* The original name was “We Need To Fill All Seats To Break Even And We’re Going To Make You Suffer For It.”
* With basic economy, United will actually go out of their way to place you next to a coughing woman.
* You also have to get a large “L” written on your forehead with a marker.
* Your skimpy bag of peanuts only contains those occasional brown ones that taste awful.
* And if you’re sitting there reading, the flight attendant will come by and knock the book out your hands.
* The worst thing is, in basic economy they MAKE you watch the movie. This week it’s “Ice Age 5: Collision Course”.
* United borrowed an old name from the social hierarchy in India. The new flying class will simply be called the Untouchables.
* Hey, why not call them the Deplorables? Hillary isn’t using that anymore.
* There is some good news: United will give the new class of passengers the option of sitting in the luggage hold.
* We’re around 6 months from tying passengers on the wings.