PEDOPHILE TORTOISE KIDNAPPER
$1000 ransom.
WOMAN ASSAULTS SLEEPING MAN WITH GRITS, BASEBALL BAT
While he slept.
WOMAN TAKES LIMO TO MALL, SHOPLIFTS
And takes the limo home.
UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT CARJACKED DURING SEXUAL RENDEZVOUS
“Luscious” and “Brittany”
BROTHER BEATS BROTHER OVER BIG MACS
Big Mac Attack.
BEAUTY PAGEANT WINNER FAKED CANCER
The Miss Pennsylvania U.S. International pageant.
MAN STRIPS, PLAYS GOLF
He had been drinking.
POLITICALLY CORRECT WANT TO ELIMINATE THE WORD "DIXIE" IN THE SOUTH
Except no one seems to have a problem with it.
MAN SHOPLIFTS STEAKS IN HIS COLOSTOMY BAG
Ribeye steaks.