A Jehovahs witness knocks on the door.
Old lady invites him in, makes him a cup of tea, and asks, “What did you want to talk about?
Kid says, “Hell if I know. I’ve never gotten this far before.“
At a lake with rental boats, the owner speaks over the loudspeaker:
“Boat number 99, please return to the dock. Your time is up!” A few minutes pass. No boat returns. The owner, louder this time: “Boat number 99, return immediately or you’ll be charged for overtime!” Still nothing. The assistant steps in and says: “Boss… we only have 75 boats. There is no number 99.” After a couple of seconds, the owner grabs the mic again and says: “Boat number 66… everything okay out there?”
What do mummies do on vacation?
They like to unwind.
Did you hear about the big sale at the Lego store?
People are lined up for blocks.
A happy dog and a sad dog had a competition to see who could carry the most weight. Which dog won?
The happy dog, ‘cause his tail was a’wagon.
A drunk man is walking zig-zag on the road.
A police officer stops him and asks, “Where are you going at this time?”
The drunk replies, “I’m going to attend a lecture.”
The police officer says “Who gives lectures at midnight?”
The drunk says, “My wife.”
Why did old sailors get lost at sea?
They were groggy.
Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
Because they’re Santa’s star bucks.
What did the third wise man say after his friends had already presented gold and frankincense?
“But wait, there’s myrrh!”
Why did the snowman want a divorce?
Because his wife was a total flake.