Why wouldn’t the nearsighted vampire buy glasses?
He just couldn’t see himself wearing them.
Guy staggers into a bar.
Bartender says, “You look beat.”
Guy says, “I just walked five mile, climbed two trees, waded across a creek, almost stepped on a rattlesnake and outran a bear.”
Bartender says, “You must be quite the outdoorsman.”
Guy says, “No, I’m just a lousy golfer.”
A guy goes up to his boss after an ethics training seminar.
He says, “Boss, that ethics training has me feeling bad about us doing product testing on animals.
His boss says, “Look, animal testing is an accepted practice, many shampoo and cosmetics manufacturers test their products on animals.”
Guy says, “Yeah, but we make hammers.”
What happened to the sewer worker?
He died in the line of dooty.
Guy goes into the confession booth.
He says, “Father, I just committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes. I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily made love to his wife, and then ate all of his groceries. And I didn’t share anything.”
Priest says, “You forgot pride.”
Guy says, “No, I’m pretty proud of myself for this.”
Guy goes to the battery store and says,”I need two C Batteries”.
The counter guy points to the shelf and said “There, just look at them”.
How do you unlock a banana?
With a monkey.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after 6 months…
The woman asked the doctor about her baby. Doctor says, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. And your brother named them for you.” Woman says, “No, not my idiot brother! What did he name the girl?” Doctor says, “Denise.” Woman says, “Well, that’s a nice name. What did he name the boy?” Doctor says, “Denephew.”