LOUISVILLE BOOGER ALERT

Louisville, Kentucky Metro Planning & Design Services manager Joe Reverman sent an email to department staff and administrators last Tuesday, calling attention to the problem of a proliferation of boogers in the men’s room. The memo reads: “We have recently discovered mass quantities of boogers on the two walls around the urinal in the 3rd floor men’s restroom. This is obviously a very serious situation. Anybody caught doing this could face disciplinary action. We will have this area cleaned, however this is very embarrassing to our department to have this problem. Please keep a look out and let me know if you see any suspicious activity.”
In a follow-up email, executive administrator Heather Plowman gave employees tips on how to properly dispose of their boogers:
“At no point should anything that comes out of or off a person’s body be wiped/poured/spit or in any way put on any Metro-owned surface (with the exception of items commonly and appropriately flushed down toilets/urinals or rinsed down a sink drain), including surfaces in both public areas and offices. Anyone caught doing so will be punished fully and immediately. If you have any questions as to what constitutes an offensive substance, or if you need assistance determining an appropriate method of disposing of such substances, please see a member of management or human resources.”
* Ah, blow it out your nose!
* Thank you for your nuggets of wisdom, people.
* “99 dollops of snot on the wall, 99 dollops of snot …”
* Wow, I’m so glad I don’t work with bureaucrats.
* I could actually feel my IQ dropping while I was reading that.
* Yep, guys are pigs. In SO many ways!
* All the Secret Santa gifts in this department this year should be hankies.
* “Let me know if you see any suspicious activity, and tell me which of our male employees relieve themselves at the urinal one-handed.”
* One classic office move: After the big boss goes on and on about it, human resources jumps in and says it all again.
* Just try it. Just try calling human resources and say, “I read your letter and I need further assistance with wiping my nose, thanks.”
* Next up: The mandatory booger disposal seminar after which each employee will sign an oath to dispose of their boogers properly.