MISSING MAN IN CIVIL WAR UNIFORM
He’s gone. Gone with the wind.
MAN WINS $1 MILLION ON BIRTHDAY GIFT LOTTERY TICKET
Serves the cheap-ass gift-giver right.
SUSPECT FOUND HIDING IN DOG HOUSE
A shaggy dog story.
COLLEGE STUDENT DIES, ROOMMATES DIDN’T NOTICE
Maybe pick up some Airwick at the store.
MOM GETS SIX MONTHS FOR LETTING 5-YEAR-OLD SON WALK AROUND ALONE
The Karening of America continues.
STUCKEY’S CLOSES LONG-TIME MANUFACTURING PLANT
They’re nuts.
UNITED AIRLINES WILL DELIVER FOOD TO YOU WHILE YOU’RE WAITING AT THE GATE
No way this can go wrong.
CHOCOLATEY EYEBALLS RECALLED
Destroy all eyeballs!
FINALLY – A TOOTHBRUSH WITH A CAMERA IN IT
Wait’ll they start selling ads on it.