SURFER BITTEN BY EEL
Eels now?
ONLY ONE ACTUALLY DEAD AT ZOMBIECON
Many others undead.
DENIM THIEVES
An “insatiable appetite for denim.”
WOMAN CRASHES THROUGH DRIVING SCHOOL AT END OF TEST
The woman was “new to the country”.
WOMAN DELAYS STANDOFF TO HAVE SEX WITH FUGITIVE
One last time.
ASTRONAUT SCOTT KELLY BREAKS DAYS IN SPACE RECORD
Over a year in space.
PLAYMATE TWINS IN CAR ACCIDENT
The Shannon twins.
NEIGHBORS COMPLAIN ABOUT CHURCH CHOIR
The city wants to fine them for too-loud choir practice.
BEAR WALKS INTO MONTANA HIGH SCHOOL
It’s Montana. No big whoop.
CAFFEINE-INFUSED PEANUT BUTTER
One tablespoon is equal to a cup of coffee.