BEAR STEALS CHAINSAW
Bear steals Stihl.
INFLUENTIAL TOY DESIGNER DIES
You knocked my block off.
WOMAN CAUGHT BETWEEN WALLS
The walls have ears (and blonde hair and a face).
JURY ACQUITS SANDWICH GUY
Hot dog!
FLORIDA MAN AVOIDS RITUAL SACRIFICE
As one does.
MAN REALLY NEEDS BATHROOM, PULLS KNIFE
Rough going.
THE CUSTOMS AGENT SANDWICH ASSAULT TRIAL
What baloney.
THE PURDUE PEANUT BUTTER MAN
Call in an APB…&J.
HEALTH CARE COMPANY TELLS 500 CUSTOMERS THAT THEY ARE DEAD
I feel happy… I feel ha—(clunk)