NEW YORK CITY TO GET THREE CASINOS
You betcha.
TWIN BROTHER WANTS TO REPLACE RETIRING CONGRESSMAN
Double trouble.
FIREMEN FIRED FOR HAZING
Alarming.
RARE WINES STOLEN
Wine not.
WEST VIRGINIA RAT SHOOT GETS OUT OF HAND
As they always do.
141-YEAR-OLD TORTOISE DIES AT SAN DIEGO ZOO
Shell shocked.
BOY SCOUTS NOW NOT MANLY ENOUGH FOR THE SECRETARY OF WAR
We’re about to attack Venezuela, and he’s picking on the Boy Scouts.
CAMPBELL’S EXEC KNOCKS THE SOUP
The chicken soup comes home to roost.
ENTIRE MOTORSPORTS HALL OF FAME BOARD FIRED
They kept taking all the cars for themselves.
AUDIO: VINCE THE SHAM-WOW GUY IS RUNNING FOR OFFICE
That sounds about right these days.