COMMUTER DROPS PHONE ON TRACKS, HITS EMERGENCY STOP
Then what are those emergency buttons for, anyway?
AIRPORT HIRES THERAPY PIG
When pigs fly.
GUY FAILS TO ROB 5 BANKS IN THREE HOURS
Now that’s dedication.
MARATHON RUNNER TAKES WRONG TURN, IS LOST IN WOODS FOR 12 HOURS
Found after dark.
TWO BURGLARS, ONE ROOSTER
Cock-a-doodle dumb.
AMAZON'S CHECKOUT-FREE STORE
You’re gonna miss the lady with the all coupons in front of you.
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER DUCT TAPED STUDENTS TO CHAIRS
Middle schoolers, though, so… ok.
MAN BREAKS INTO WOMAN'S HOME, PETS CAT
Cat burglar?
HIPSTER SANTA
A man bun, Santa? Really?
WOMAN THROWS SQUID OVER MAN
Release the Kraken.