What did the bread say when it broke up with the jam?
You deserve butter.
A young farm couple get married and go to the honeymoon hotel.
They tell the clerk at the reception desk they need a room to celebrate their first night as husband and wife.
Desk clerk says, “Would you like the Bridal?”
The woman says, “No, I’ll just hold on to his ears until I get the hang of it.”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter orders a beer. The iron orders a tequila. And the third golf club says, “None for me, I’m the driver”
A guy gets a knock on his door at 2 am.
It’s a cop, who says, “I’m sorry to bother you at this hour sir, but is this a picture of your wife?” And shows the guy a picture.
“Yes, it is,” the guy says.
The cop says, “Well sir, it looks like she’s been in a terrible car accident.”
The guy says, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”
Did you hear about the Storm Troopers who ate a small Wookie?
They said it was a little chewy.
Why did the Cyclops give up teaching?
Because he only had one pupil.
A guy is sitting at a bar looking miserable.
The bartender says, “What’s the matter?”
Guy says, “Last night my wife got really drunk and wanted to have sex in the back seat of our car.”
Bartender says, “That sounds pretty hot. So what’s the problem?”
Guy says, “She wanted me to drive.”
A Jehovahs witness knocks on the door.
Old lady invites him in, makes him a cup of tea, and asks, “What did you want to talk about?
Kid says, “Hell if I know. I’ve never gotten this far before.“
At a lake with rental boats, the owner speaks over the loudspeaker:
“Boat number 99, please return to the dock. Your time is up!” A few minutes pass. No boat returns. The owner, louder this time: “Boat number 99, return immediately or you’ll be charged for overtime!” Still nothing. The assistant steps in and says: “Boss… we only have 75 boats. There is no number 99.” After a couple of seconds, the owner grabs the mic again and says: “Boat number 66… everything okay out there?”
What do mummies do on vacation?
They like to unwind.