How much space do you need to grow a fungi?
As mushroom as possible.
A man is caught shoplifting a bag of apples.
In court, the judge says, “I need to make an example of you. I’m sentencing you to spend one day in jail for each apple you stole. That’s seven – seven days in jail.” The man’s wife stands up and says, “Your honor, he also stole a bag of rice.”
How do you know if a ghost has been using your bathroom?
It smells like sheet.
Guy asks his friend, “What did you get for Christmas?”
Friend says, “I got a dumb sweater.”
Guy says, “Well, a sweater’s nice.”
Friend says, “Yeah, but I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.”
How do snails fight?
They slug it out.
Guy asks his new wife, “Am I the first man you’ve ever slept with?”
The wife says, “Now that you mention it, you do look familiar.”
Why do hockey rinks have curved corners?
Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.
A doctor tells his patient he’s being moved to the east wing.
As they’re rolling him down the hallway, the patient says, “What’s in the east wing?”
Doctor says, “The morgue.”
Patient says, “But I’m not dead yet!”
Doctor says, “It’s a long hallway.”
Where do British people get their news from?
From the English channel.
An old woman is in a nursing home, she’s in a wheelchair.
It’s her 100th birthday so all her family are visiting. Suddenly, she begins leaning to the left in her chair, so the nurse runs over and props her up with a pillow. Then she begins leaning right and again the nurse props her back up with a pillow. Then she begins leaning forward and the nurse props her back upright. Then, her grandson finally shows up and says, “How are they treating you, grandma?” She says, “Fine, except they won’t let me fart.”