Guy goes to the doctor.
He says, “Doc, I don’t feel good.”
Doctor says, “Go over to my window and stick your tongue out.”
Guy says, “Why?”
Doctor says, “Because I’m mad ad my neighbor.”
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “Sure.”
A woman goes to her doctor and asks for birth control pills.
The doctor is shocked: “Why do you want those?” She replies, “They help me sleep better.” The doctor says, “How do they help you sleep better? Woman says, “I put them in my 16-year-old daughter’s orange juice every morning, and I sleep at night like a baby.”
Who cleans the sea floor?
Mer-Maids.
A ship is sinking.
The captain addressed his crew, he said, “Is anyone here religious?”
One crew member spoke up, “I am. In fact I pray very often.”
Captain says, “That’s good. You can pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We’re one short.”
How much space do you need to grow a fungi?
As mushroom as possible.
A man is caught shoplifting a bag of apples.
In court, the judge says, “I need to make an example of you. I’m sentencing you to spend one day in jail for each apple you stole. That’s seven – seven days in jail.” The man’s wife stands up and says, “Your honor, he also stole a bag of rice.”
How do you know if a ghost has been using your bathroom?
It smells like sheet.
Guy asks his friend, “What did you get for Christmas?”
Friend says, “I got a dumb sweater.”
Guy says, “Well, a sweater’s nice.”
Friend says, “Yeah, but I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.”