A happy dog and a sad dog had a competition to see who could carry the most weight. Which dog won?
The happy dog, ‘cause his tail was a’wagon.
A drunk man is walking zig-zag on the road.
A police officer stops him and asks, “Where are you going at this time?”
The drunk replies, “I’m going to attend a lecture.”
The police officer says “Who gives lectures at midnight?”
The drunk says, “My wife.”
Why did old sailors get lost at sea?
They were groggy.
Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
Because they’re Santa’s star bucks.
What did the third wise man say after his friends had already presented gold and frankincense?
“But wait, there’s myrrh!”
Why did the snowman want a divorce?
Because his wife was a total flake.
Why did the guy put down in his dating profile that he was a pyromaniac?
So he’d get a lot of matches.
What goes “Oh Oh Oh”?
Santa walking backwards.
What did the guy with OCD say to his girlfriend after a big fight?
“Don’t let the door hit you in the ass five times on your way out.”
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.