What celebrity gives colonoscopies?
Cameron Diaz.
Psychiatrist has a new patient.
He tells him, “I have to do an assessment about your habits. Do you drink?”
The patient says, “No.” “Smoke?” “No.” “Do drugs?” “No.” “Cheat on your wife?” “Never.” “Amazing,” says the shrink. “Any bad habits at all?” The patient says, “Yeah. Lying.”
Did you hear about the man who died after he fell into a vat of coffee?
At least it was instant.
Psychiatrist has a new patient.
Says, “I have to do an assessment about your habits. Do you drink?”
The patient says, “No.” “Smoke?” “No.” “Do drugs?” “No.” “Cheat on your wife?” “Never.” “Amazing,” says the shrink. “Any bad habits at all?” The patient says, “Yeah. Lying.”
A doctor amputates a guy’s finger.
Guy asks, “Can still write with that hand?”
Doctor says, “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
Guy’s in court, accused of killing an endangered whooping crane.
The guy argues that he thought it was a common Sandhill crane — not endangered. The judge understood and dismissed the case. As the guy’s leaving the courtroom, the judge says, “By the way, what did the whooping crane taste like?” Guy says, “It tastes like bald eagle.”
What’s the angriest nut?
Pissed-achio
What did the waffle say at the end of breakfast?
Should I stay or should Eggo?