911 operator gets a phone call.
“Someone just fell off the roof of a nightclub!”
Operator says, “Who was it?”
“Caller says, “Well, it wasn’t the bouncer.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
He takes it outside to drink on a bench. A nun walks by and scolds him: “How can you pollute your soul with the Devil’s drink?” The man replies, “It’s not the Devil, it’s just whiskey.” They go back and forth, until the nun admits she’s never actually tasted whiskey. She says, “Maybe if I had just a sip, I’d understand better. But I can’t be seen drinking out here. Could you order me one in a teacup?” The man goes back inside, and says to the bartender: “Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please.” The bartender yells: “Is that nun here AGAIN?!”
What happens when you call the tinnitus hotline?
It just keeps ringing.
Guy smiles at a girl on a bus.
She smiles back. He smiles again. She smiles back. FInally, she says, “When you smile at me, I want to invite you back to my place.
He says, “Are you married?”
She says, “No, I’m a dentist.”
Guy goes parachuting, but his parachute doesn’t open.
As he’s plummeting to the ground, he sees another man coming up through the air at incredible speed. The parachutis yells: “Hey! Do you know anything about parachutes?! ” The other guy shouts back: “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?!”
What do you call a rabbit with a bomb?
Hoppin’ heimer.
Which soul singer hates the daytime?
Glad it’s night.
Three men are sentenced to 20 years of solitary confinement, but each is allowed to take one luxury with them to their cells.
The first man asks for as many law books as will fit in his cell. The second man asks for every medical book that has been published. The third man asks for 300 packs of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, the three men are released. The first man comes out and says, “I studied so hard, I can now become as a lawyer!” The second man comes out and says, “After all the learning, I can now become a doctor!” The third man comes out and says, “Anybody got a match?”
How long does it take for a dog to become a pirate?
‘Bout ‘arf an arr.
There’s a problem at the yardstick factory.
They said they won’t be making them any longer.