What’s the most difficult room in the house?
The problematic.
A man asked his wife in bed, “Can you roll your R’s?”
She says, “Yes, why?”
He says, “Because I’d have more room if you’d roll your arse back onto your side of the bed!”
How do you know if a pirate is vegetarian?
He has a carrot on his shoulder.
Why couldn’t the pepper practice archery?
Because he didn’t habanero.
A guy walked into a pharmacy and says, “Can I buy some Viagra?”
Pharmacist says, “Yes you can.”
The guy says, “Can I get it over the counter?”
The pharmacist said, “I don’t know. Maybe if you take four or five of ’em.”
Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long.
911 operator gets a phone call.
“Someone just fell off the roof of a nightclub!”
Operator says, “Who was it?”
“Caller says, “Well, it wasn’t the bouncer.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
He takes it outside to drink on a bench. A nun walks by and scolds him: “How can you pollute your soul with the Devil’s drink?” The man replies, “It’s not the Devil, it’s just whiskey.” They go back and forth, until the nun admits she’s never actually tasted whiskey. She says, “Maybe if I had just a sip, I’d understand better. But I can’t be seen drinking out here. Could you order me one in a teacup?” The man goes back inside, and says to the bartender: “Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please.” The bartender yells: “Is that nun here AGAIN?!”
What happens when you call the tinnitus hotline?
It just keeps ringing.