MAN CAUGHT SMUGGLING 450 PORK TAMALES INTO THE U.S.
The problem was not the tamales, but the pork.
CHICAGO WOMAN LEADS SEX STRIKE OVER GUN VIOLENCE
Until the men put down their guns.
SUSPECT SNORTS HEROIN PULLED OUT OF BUTT
His own butt, but still.
DRUNK WOMAN IN A GREASE DUMPSTER
With her pants down.
MAN KILLED BY DOG HE ADOPTED HOURS EARLIER
Rottweiller.
COP ISSUES HIMSELF A PARKING TICKET
But it wasn’t his fault. Uh huh.
FIRST-GRADER TRIES TO STAB TEACHER WITH SCISSORS
He also tried to damage computers.
MAN STABBED FOR EATING ALL THE SALSA
But maybe also for being a registered sex offender.
BANANAS USED IN DARING SHOPLIFTING RAID
He threw a bunch of bananas at an employee .
DOLLAR STORE CLERK SHRIEKS AT CUSTOMERS TO GET OUT
The kids were causing a ruckus.