A man is in the Emergency Room waiting area.
Doctor comes out, says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid your mother has—”
The guys says, “No, that’s not my mother. That’s my mother-in-law.”
Doctor says, “Well, in that case, I have some good news.”
Why did the crab cross the road?
It didn’t. It used the sidewalk.
I once went out with a girl who had “yes yes” in her eyes…
… but no no’s on her face.
Two Chihuahuas meet on the street.
One says, “I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. The other says, Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” The first dog says, “I can’t I’m not allowed on the couch.”
A frog calls the Psychic Hotline.
Psychic tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.” The frog says, That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?” Psychic says, “No, next term — in her biology class.”
A very shy guy sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, “Can I buy you a drink?”
The woman yells at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
The guy slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” ANd the guy says, “What do you mean $200?”
What does an escalator say when it stops working?
Nothing. It just stairs.
What has four legs and a hand?
A happy pit bull.