Why did the mechanic sleep under the car?
Because he wanted to wake up oily in the morning.
Guy comes home from golf, complaining that he keep losing balls.
His wife say, “Why don’t you take my father to spot for you?” Guy says, “He’s 98.” Wife says, yes, but he has perfect eyesight.” OK, so the guy takes his father-in law out to the course. He slices the drive. “Did you see where it went?” Father-in-law says, “Yep.” Guy says, “Where?” Father-in-law says, “I forget.”
Why did the Roman senators walk everywhere?
Because they were told not to run with Caesars.
Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his new honey.
What did the bread say when it broke up with the jam?
You deserve butter.
A young farm couple get married and go to the honeymoon hotel.
They tell the clerk at the reception desk they need a room to celebrate their first night as husband and wife.
Desk clerk says, “Would you like the Bridal?”
The woman says, “No, I’ll just hold on to his ears until I get the hang of it.”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter orders a beer. The iron orders a tequila. And the third golf club says, “None for me, I’m the driver”
A guy gets a knock on his door at 2 am.
It’s a cop, who says, “I’m sorry to bother you at this hour sir, but is this a picture of your wife?” And shows the guy a picture.
“Yes, it is,” the guy says.
The cop says, “Well sir, it looks like she’s been in a terrible car accident.”
The guy says, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”
Did you hear about the Storm Troopers who ate a small Wookie?
They said it was a little chewy.
Why did the Cyclops give up teaching?
Because he only had one pupil.