Old man is sitting in the park.
He tells the guy at the next bench, “I don’t smoke, don’t drink, I don’t eat desserts, I don’t chase women, and tomorrow I will celebrate by 90th birthday!”
The other guy says, “How?”
A man starts crossing the street.
Just then, a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight at him. The man goes faster, but so does the car. The man turns back, but the car changes lanes and keeps coming at him. The man freezes with fear in the middle of the intersection. The car screeches to a halt, inches away from him. The driver rolls down the window. Behind the wheel is a squirrel.
The squirrel yells, “See! Not as easy as it looks, is it?”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The Putter orders a beer, the Wedge orders a whiskey. The Bartender asks the 3rd one if he wants anything.
He replies, “No thanks, I’m the Driver,”
How did they fire the trapeze artist?
He was let go.
A horse walks into a bar and orders a Coke.
The bartender asks “straw?”
The horse replies “no thanks, I already ate.”
How long is the average sock?
It’s around a foot.
Guy gets a call from a radio station. DJ says, “Congratulations, you’ve been randomly selected for our radio contest.
All you have to do is answer one question correctly and you win the grand prize! Ready? It’s a math question.”
Guy says, “I have a degree in math, and I teach advanced calculus at the community college.”
DJ say, “Okay, for a backstage pass and two VIP tickets to the Justin Bieber concert… What is 2 + 2?”
Guy says, “Seven.”
What’s a moth’s favorite beer?
Miller Lite.
Two dinosaurs are standing in the rain. They see an ark float by.
One dinosaur says, “Oh, damn, that was today?”