WOMAN PREDICTED ROYAL FAMILY SHAKE UP FROM ASPARAGUS SPEARS

Self-proclaimed fortune teller Jemima Packington is claiming she predicted Harry and Meghan Markle would step back from the royal family after “reading” some asparagus spears. Packington, 64, reportedly the world’s only “asparamancer,” says she is able to see the future by throwing asparagus into the air and then observing how the spears land on the ground. She says, “When I cast the asparagus, it creates patterns and it is the patterns I interpret.” She claims 75-90 percent accuracy.
* And I claim she’s 100% knucklehead.
* We thought you might be tired of fake news and would appreciate some hard-hitting journalism.
* “Asparamancer”? I would have gone with Asparagus Whisperer, but whatever.
* The only thing you could accurately predict from throwing asparagus onto the ground is that you’re going to have gritty asparagus for dinner.
* What are tomorrow’s lottery numbers? Let’s roll the Brussels sprouts and see.
* You get a free bushel of summer squash with every reading. And THAT’S how you get rid of it.