WEDNESDAY, May 29 – DAILY PREP TEXT VERSION

MORNING SIDEKICK DAILY PREP TEXT VERSION FOR WEDNESDAY, May 29, 2024
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COMEDY MP3s POSTED ON OUR PREP SITE FOR TODAY: BROUGHT TO YOU BY

TODAY IS …
(All days repeat annually on today’s date unless otherwise noted; days may or may not be called “National”/”International”/”World” depending on source; sources listed often have additional info. We generally do not list special days which were created by commercial companies for the purpose of marketing, or the hundreds of disease awareness listings which occur each year.)

LEARN ABOUT COMPOSTING DAY

NATIONAL BISCUIT DAY

NATIONAL COQ AU VIN DAY

NATIONAL PAPERCLIP DAY
The National Day Calendar website says this:
“While there are much earlier claims to the invention of the paperclip, according to the Early Office Museum, the first patent for a “bent wire paper clip” was presented to Samuel B. Fay in the United States in 1867. The original intention of Fay’s clip was to attach tickets to fabric. However, U.S. patent 64,088 recognized that it could also be used to attach papers together.”

May is:

Chip Your Pet Month / Pet Month
Date Your Mate Month
International Civility Awareness Month
National Barbeque Month
National Bike Month
National Egg Month
National Hamburger Month
National Military Appreciation Month
National Salad Month
National Salsa Month
Older Americans Month

ENTERTAINMENT & CELEBRITIES

ÁNGEL HERNANDEZ, INFAMOUS BASEBALL UMPIRE, RETIRING

Major League Baseball umpire Ángel Hernández announced that he is retiring effective immediately, ending a controversial three-decade-long career of pretty much sucking at his job. The 62-year-old Hernández reached a settlement to leave Major League Baseball, according to a source, and will leave after umpiring thousands of games since his debut in 1991. Hernández had a penchant for bad calls. There are Twitter threads listing his bad calls:
– During a 2018 playoff game, he had three calls reversed by replay in the first four innings.
– Just this season, Hernández called three strikes on pitches well off the plate from Houston’s J.P. France to Texas’ Wyatt Langford.
– In 2022, Philadelphia designated hitter Kyle Schwarber was ejected by Hernández after he slammed his bat following a called strike three on a Josh Hader pitch that was far off the plate.
– On at least one occasion, Hernández called a ball foul that clearly bounced on the chalk on replay.
– Last September, he ruled Phillies player Bryce Harper had broken the plane of home plate during a checked swing. He clearly had not. Hernández ruled this from third base. Harper argued, Hernández tossed him from the game.
– He once ejected Tigers’ second baseman Ian Kinsler for looking at him sardonically.
* Kinsler argued that was just his resting bitch face.
* He also announced his newest position as spokeman for the National Federation for the Blind.
* He made more bad calls than a telemarketing company.
* He’s pissed so many people off, he could have a pretty good second career as president of a Home Owners Association.

THE BUZZ

STUDY: PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN THEY ARE TOO BUSY ARE IDIOTS

Researchers from the University of Georgia Terry College of Business (* Who’s Georgia Terry?) have found that people who frequently complain about how they are overworked are seen as less competent and less likable by their colleagues. The study surveyed hundreds of workers and found that people who complain about being too busy all the time think that is going to make them look better to their colleagues, but in reality it generates ill will and makes then less likely to receive help from co-workers. In addition, the study revealed that stress bragging can have a contagious effect, causing those around the bragger to feel more stressed themselves and experience higher levels of burnout. By constantly complaining that one is too busy, it creates an expectation that everyone should be just as overloaded.
* It’s almost as if they’re saying American workers are whiny.
* Work shaming – just what we need to beat the Chinese!
* Shaming your co-workers for working too much. The DMV is light years ahead of us on this.
* Working slower is a fine life choice, unless you’re making my order at Jersey Mike’s.
* This report was supposed to be out LAST week, but the head guy said he was too busy. The jerk.

U.S. NEWS

MORMON CRICKET SLUDGE CAUSES WRECKS IN NEVADA

Authorities in Nevada are warning drivers to be cautious after something called Mormon cricket “sludge” caused several vehicle crashes. The road sludge is a combination of mashed Mormon crickets run over by cars and recent rain. It makes the roads “EXTREMELY slick and unpredictable for stopping distance,” according to the Eureka County Sheriff’s Office. There were two crashes involving three semi-trucks on Interstate 80 last weekend, blamed on the cricket sludge. No serious injuries were reported from the crashes. Nevada is currently in the middle of an outbreak of Mormon crickets. The invasions typically last four to six years and eventually drop off due to natural predators such as birds, coyotes and rodents.
* And semi trucks, apparently.
* Birds, coyotes and rodents especially like Mormon cricket sludge on crackers.
* The best way to eliminate the Mormon cricket is to get the Book of Mormon… and smash ’em.
* And barring that, a cricket bat.
* How did the Mormon cricket get its name? Does it sing? Is there a Cricket Tabernacle Chirper?
* Isn’t Mormon Cricket Sludge a punk metal band out of Salt Lake City?

THE DIRTIEST CITIES

A recent study by LawnStarter has named Houston, Texas, as the nation’s dirtiest city. The criteria were terrible air quality, infrastructure woes and a staggering number of pests invading homes. Here are their Top 20 Dirtiest Cities:
1. Houston, TX
2. Newark, NJ
3. San Bernadino, CA
4. Detroit, MI
5. Jersey City, NJ
6. Bakersfield, CA
7. San Antonio, TX
8. Fresno, CA
9. Oklahoma City, OK
10. Yonkers, NY
11. Shreveport, LA
12. New York, NY
13. Birmingham, AL
14. Ontario, CA
15. Los Angeles, CA
16. Modesto, CA
17. Palmdale, CA
18. Hollywood, CA
19. Las Vegas, NV
20. Fort Lauderdale, FL
* Well, I know 20 city tourism directors who have their work cut out for them today.
* Houston, you have a problem.
* Only TWO in New Jersey? Seriously?
* How are there no cities in Eureka County, Nevada on this list? They’ve got highways covered in Mormon cricket sludge! (See story in our “U.S. News” section.)
* Vacation season is coming up. We could’ve used a list of the CLEANEST cities, LawnStarter. You morons.

INTERNATIONAL NEWS

MAN SPRINTS NAKED DOWN AISLE OF PLANE

A man ran naked down the aisle of a Virgin Australia plane a half hour after takeoff. Australian officers said the man knocked over an attendant during his bare sprint on a flight from Perth to Melbourne. It is unclear how or where the passenger removed his clothes.The stunt forced the plane to turn around. The man was arrested upon landing back in Perth.
* His name? Seymour Peters.
* At least they got him back in the cockpit to finish flying the plane.
* When the captain says “prepare for takeoff,” it doesn’t mean your clothes.
* No plane needs a second joystick.

ENGLAND RUNNING OUT OF GHOSTS

Quote -“Leading paranormal expert” – unquote – Dr. Paul Lee says that the number of ghosts in England is dropping. He believes that’s because many spirits are passing over to the “other side.” Dr. Lee says, “Since January 2020 I’ve been contacting all the reportedly haunted locations on my app, and asking if the residents, owners or staff have experienced any unexplained activity. So far I’ve had almost 800 replies and even some supposedly highly haunted places say they haven’t experienced anything in the last few years.” He added: “It could be that a spirit had a natural source of energy to begin with which has dwindled away over time, leaving them without the reserves to manifest anymore.”
* Maybe the spirits aren’t showing themselves because they’re ghosting us.
* Of course, it’s possible people aren’t reporting unexplained activity because they want Dr. Pual Lee to stop pestering them.
* Is he saying they’re too tired to haunt? What else do they have to do?
* Or it could be those two recent Ghostbuster movies. They were bad enough to drive anybody away.
* You know the real reason ghosts don’t go out in public? They look like sheet.

RECORD OF EARTH’S LANGUAGES HEADING TO THE MOON FOR SAFEKEEPING

A memory disk containing 275 languages will be launched on a lunar landing craft this winter in an effort to preserve the Earth’s linguistic diversity in the event of a global calamity. A Japanese firm called Ispace has put the project together, with the support of UNESCO’s (United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization) policy of passing down humanity’s cultural heritage. The memory disk retains the 275-language translations of a section of the preamble to the UNESCO Constitution that details the significance of preserving language diversity and culture.
* Did they include Klingon, Elvish and Pig Latin?
* They should have had 275 translations of the phrase: “Warning aliens: Those people on Earth are idiots.”
* Because when the world blows up, it’s going to be important that the survivors all speak Etruscan? And who’s gonna run to the Moon to the get the dictionary?
* Do you know what the least spoken language in the world is? Sign language! Ha!
* Never mind languages – how can we preserve a record of humanity’s mixed drink recipes?

TRENDING

“WHEN CALLS THE HEART” ACTRESS MAMIE LAVEROCK FELL OFF A BALCONY

Canadian actress Mamie Laverock, 19, who appeared in the Hallmark Channel TV show “When Calls the Heart,” is on life support after falling five stories from a balcony. According to her mother, Nicole Compton, Mamie fell ill on May 11. Her mother was able to get her to a local hospital, and soon after Mamie was transferred to a hospital in Vancouver, where her condition showed “signs of improvement.” But over this past weekend, her family revealed the news that “On May 26th, Mamie, who has been in intensive treatment for the past two weeks, was escorted out of a secure unit of the hospital and taken up to a balcony walkway from which she fell five stories. She sustained life threatening injuries, has undergone multiple extensive surgeries, and is currently on life support. We are all devastated, in shock, at this intensely difficult time.”

ALMANAC

NOTABLE DATES, UPCOMING U.S. OBSERVANCES

June 14, Friday – Flag Day
June 16, Sunday – Father’s Day
June 20, Thursday – Summer begins (The June solstice occurs at 4:50 P.M. EST)
July 4, Thursday – U.S. Independence Day
Sept. 2, Monday – Labor Day
Sept. 11, Wednesday – Patriot Day
Sept. 23, Sunday – Fall begins (Autumn Equinox is 8:44 a.m. EDT)

BIRTHDAYS

Melanie “Mel B” Brown – (singer, Scary Spice of the Spice Girls) … 49
Laverne Cox (actress, “Orange Is the New Black”) … 52
Melissa Etheridge (singer/songwriter) … 63
Annette Benning (actress, wife of Warren Beatty) … 66
LaToya Jackson … 68
Danny Elfman (member of Oingo Boingo, now film score composer) … 71

BIRTHDAY QUOTE QUIZ – Ask your listeners “Who said it?” HINT: Today’s their birthday!

“Acting is not about being famous, it’s about exploring the human soul.”

(A) Steven Segal
(B) David Spade
(C) Annette Benning

ANSWER: (C) Annette Benning

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

2001 – The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin could use a cart to ride in tournaments.
* Duh! Everybody knows there’s no handicap in professional golf.

1989 – Student protesters in China constructed a replica of the Statue of Liberty.
* Which if you go to any New York City gift shop doesn’t seem like that big a deal.

1977 – Janet Guthrie became the first woman to drive in the Indianapolis 500.
* “Gentlemen, start your – I mean, racers, start your engines.”

1849 – Abraham Lincoln said the famous line: “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of people some of time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.”
* But the politicians still keep trying to!

1790 – The U.S. Constitution was ratified.
* And a damn fine document is was … until they tacked on that amendment for an income tax.

1765 – During his historic speech against the British Stamp Act, patriot Patrick Henry answered a cry of “Treason!” with the words: “If this be treason, make the most of it!”
* And went on to suggest Treason T-shirts, Treason Baseball Caps, Treason Water Bottles, Treason Memo Pads …

THIS DAY IN MUSIC HISTORY

2009 – Music producer Phil Spector was sentenced to 19 years to life for murdering an actress in 2003. Spector, famed for his “Wall of Sound” recording technique, was found guilty of shooting Lana Clarkson at his California home. Spector had pleaded not guilty to the second-degree murder during the five-month retrial in Los Angeles. He died in jail.

2007 – A piano used by John Lennon on the night he died was put up for sale for $375,000 on The Moments in Time memorabilia website. The upright grand piano was part of the Record Plant Recording Studios in New York where the former Beatle recorded his 1971 “Imagine” album. Lennon was said to be so fond of the instrument that he had it moved to whichever studio he was working in and had used the piano hours before being shot on December 8, 1980.

1999 – Skeletal remains were found by photographers looking for old car wrecks to shoot at the bottom of Decker Canyon near Malibu, California. Based on forensic evidence the remains were identified as former Iron Butterfly bassist Philip Kramer, who had disappeared on his way home from work on February 12, 1995. His death was ruled as a probable suicide.

1992 – The FBI recovered 44 nude photographs of Madonna, which had been stolen in America from fashion photographer Steven Meisel.

1991 – After just completing the recording of the “Nevermind” album, Nirvana played a last-minute show at the Jabberjaw in Los Angeles. In the audience was Iggy Pop, Dave Grohl’s girlfriend, and L7 bassist Jennifer Finch – who brought along her best friend Courtney Love.

1977 – Fleetwood Mac, Bob Seger, Chick Corea, Stanley Clarke and Kenny Logins all appeared at the Tangerine Bowl, Orlando, Florida. Tickets cost $10 – $12.50.

1967 – The Move, Cream, Jimi Hendrix Experience, Zoot Money and Pink Floyd all appeared at the Tulip Bulb Auction Hall in Spalding, England. Tickets cost $1.70.

1942 – Bing Crosby recorded the Irving Berlin song “White Christmas.” It went on to become the biggest-selling single of all time with sales of over 30 million. It was overtaken by the 1997 Elton John version of “Candle In The Wind.”

X-TREME TRIVIA CHALLENGE

Every installment of X-Treme Trivia Challenge includes three mystery factoids. Create your own “Impossible Question” contest – great for listener giveaways and phone interaction starters! Also a perfect sponsorship opportunity!

1. In surveys, 65% of women admit they do THIS, compared to 50% of men. What is it?
Sing in the car

2. On average, women do THIS 2 to 3 times a week, while men do it twice as often. What is it?
Shake hands

3. According to research, on average men do this 45% quicker than women. What is it?
Order from a menu

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