WEDNESDAY, July 31 – DAILY PREP TEXT VERSION

MORNING SIDEKICK DAILY PREP TEXT VERSION FOR WEDNESDAY, July 31, 2024
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COMEDY MP3s POSTED ON OUR PREP SITE FOR TODAY: A & M AUTOLAND – Olympics

TODAY IS …
(All days repeat annually on today’s date unless otherwise noted; days may or may not be called “National”/”International”/”World” depending on source; sources listed often have additional info. We generally do not list special days which were created by commercial companies for the purpose of marketing, or the hundreds of disease awareness listings which occur each year.)

COTTON CANDY DAY

LIFEGUARD APPRECIATION DAY

MUTT’S DAY

NATIONAL AVOCADO DAY

NATIONAL RASPBERRY CAKE DAY

July is:

Adopt a Rescued Rabbit Month
Air Conditioning Appreciation Month
Baked Bean Month
Cell Phone Courtesy Month
Family Reunion Month
International Blondie and Deborah Harry Month
National Blueberries Month
National Grilling Month
National Hot Dog Month
National Ice Cream Month
Melon Month

ENTERTAINMENT & CELEBRITIES

OLYMPIC NOTES

(Note: Just to remind you that we have daily funny Olympic Updates in the MP3 column on the Main Prep Page. If you have trouble getting to it, contact us and we’ll help you.)

– Polluted Seine Causes Triathalon Delay: The men’s triathlon event scheduled for Tuesday has been postponed due to concerns over the water quality in the Seine River. The postponement came after officials detected high levels of E. coli in the water. The men’s triathlon event is now scheduled for Wednesday. The women’s triathlon event, which was already scheduled for Wednesday, is still slated to occur.
* The three parts of the Paris Triathalon are now the Chlorine Chug, the Dookie Dodge and the Decontamination Scrubdown.
* They could just boil all the water in the Seine, which given the current global warming trends isn’t out of the realm of possibility.

– The Pommel Horse Guy: The internet is lighting up over the Pommel Horse Guy, American gymnast Stephen Nedoroscik. He only does the pommel horse, and only came to Paris to do the pommel horse for the American team competition. On Monday, his routine gave U.S. men’s gymnastics team a bronze – its first medal in 16 years. Like Clark Kent changing into Superman, he took off his glasses, walked up to the pommel horse, meditated for a few moments, and nailed the routine with a score of 14.866 (* which sounds really, really, really good. I guess.) About the only other thing anyone knows about Pommel Horse Guy is that he bragged that he finished a Rubik’s Cube in 9.321 seconds.
* Maybe he can parlay this into some money, like his own line of pommel horses, or a pommel horse fitness chain.
* Oh – and let’s understand something: the U.S. team’s “first medal in 16 years.” In Olympic terms, that’s really only 4 tries.

– Colin Jost, In Tahiti, With A Staph-Infected Foot: SNL’s Colin Jost was hired by NBC to cover the Olympic surfing competitions in Tahiti. Which would be fine if he didn’t have what he is calling a “staph-infected foot.” Staph infections are serious business. Jost cut his foot on some coral while swimming. He says he visits the medical tent more often than the athletes, and that they all know his name and his badge number. He adds that the doctors started telling him, “We need to see you every day because the infection hasn’t improved.” He also pointed out that the doctors are native French speakers, and when they try to explain what is going on with his foot they have to use Google Translate for the medical terms. When asked to tell a joke, he came up with, “Why did the chicken cross the road? To peck at the staph infection in my foot.”

– Americans Complain About Booze-Free Games: American spectators at the Olympics are complaining – of course – about the lack of alcohol at the games. The only beverages for sale are soft drinks and water, unless you’ve paid for admission into a VIP tent. Although Olympic promoters never made a secret of their no-alcohol policy, many people say they did not know about it until they came through the turnstiles. Tiffany Thompson, 36, from Pittsburgh, said, “Every other sporting event we’ve been to, they’ve served alcohol; when we go to see Steelers games, they even have cup holders in the seats. Of course, we can get by without. It just would have been a little more fun, especially on a hot day like today, to have a nice cold beer out here.”
* Tiffany, maybe you have a little problem.
* Yes, if there’s one thing France is known for, it’s no alcohol.

– Olympic Advertising Sets Record: NBC said Tuesday that it will set a new Olympic record for advertising revenue with its coverage of the games, topping Tokyo’s estimated $1.25 billion haul. NBC added that the total number of advertisers was more than double the 2020 Tokyo and 2016 Rio games combined.
* Good, plenty of money to make more episodes of The Wall and Ninja Warrior!
* [No kidding – here’s a little game Morning Sidekick has been playing: as you watch TV at night, randomly switch over to NBC. If you actually see a sport happening at the moment you switch over, pay yourself an imaginary dollar. We have switched over no fewer than 15 times, and seen EXACTLY ONE sport in action, a swim race. The rest has been either a commercial block, athletes celebrating, or one of those boring “let’s meet the athlete” pieces.]

THE BUZZ

NEW A.I. GIMMICK: “FRIEND”

Hey, here’s something you won’t want: a new AI hardware gimmick called “Friend.” It’s a $99 wearable pendant – like a medi-alert button – that is “always listening” to your life, and will send you short little texts and quips about whatever you happen to be doing at that moment. Say what’s on your mind out loud. Your “Friend” will think for a moment and come up with a response. Then it will text that to you. It’s being sold as a cure for loneliness, but it’ll probably just remind you how alone you are. Friend is currently only available for pre-order; the first batch of pendants may not actually ship until next January. If you’re interested, go to Friend(dot)(com).
* If you’re not interested, just go buy a parrot.
* Something that has a thought on everything that comes out of your mouth. No thanks, I already have a wife/husband/mother.
* Short little texts and quips about whatever you happen to be doing at that moment, like:
– “Seriously? This is how you spend your time?”
– “I can’t believe I got stuck with YOU as my owner.”
– “Wow – you just paid way too much for that.”
– “OMG. Will you PLEASE just shut up?”
* Hey – why does Friend keep asking me to speak in Chinese?
* Not 60 seconds after this guy thought up the idea of a listening device that uploads everything you say into a worldwide computer, he MUST have thought, “No, no, this is a really bad idea.”

U.S. NEWS

AUDIO: BURGER KING: A WHOPPER FULL OF BLOOD

A New York mother was horrified to discover the Burger King kids’ meal she ordered for her daughter was splattered with blood. Tiffany Floyd took her 4-year-old to the fast food drive-through in Getzville, NY, last Friday. After leaving as they were eating, her daughter said, “Mom, I don’t want ketchup.” Mrs. Floyd looked and saw blood all over her hamburger, all over the wrapper, inside the bag, and blood on the toys. She instantly told her to spit out the food. She had eaten some fries and a bit of her hamburger. And then Mrs. Floyd looked and there was blood on her own meal, too. Floyd immediately called the Burger King where the manager, Dan, informed her that a cook had cut his hand and he was bleeding, and that he was so sorry, and if she came back, he would refund her. (* Which really sounds more than fair.) She also called her daughter’s pediatrician, who said she would have to wait 30 days to get her daughter’s blood tested to see if she contracted any disease. And then she should get her blood work done every so often for a year to see if something comes up. Mrs. Floyd said the manager wouldn’t tell her who the injured employee was. “If they just make him go and get tested, my daughter would not have to get pricked,” she said.
* Too bad the manager IS one.
* All part of the new Vital Fluid Fridays promotion at Burger King.
* “Burger King: Have it your way – now with more iron.”
* I hate to tell her this, but now that her daughter has tasted the liquid, she is now the Eternal Blood Bride of the Burger King.
* Before Burger King goes overboard… the Goth market is a vast, untapped market. There is money to be made.
* How do you want your burger cooked – well-done, rare or clotted?
CLIP: The “Psycho” music.
CLIP URL: morningsidekick(dot)com/prep/wp-content/uploads/PsychoMusic(dot)mp3

WOMAN ARRESTED WITH BAG OF DRUGS LABELED “BAG OF DRUGS”

In St. Petersburg, Florida, police pulled over a car early Saturday morning after the driver was spotted without a seatbelt. During the traffic stop, officers noticed the woman in the passenger seat, Lauren Riley, 41, moving items around on the vehicle’s floorboard. Police allegedly spotted drug paraphernalia. The resulting search turned up a bag inside Riley’s purse labeled “Bag of Drugs.” Inside the bag was crack cocaine, powdered cocaine, crystal meth, Xanax pills, a needle, straws, a metal spoon, four glass pipes and more paraphernalia. Ms. Riley was arrested on a variety of felony charges.
* Originally she was going to put the bag labeled “Bag of Drugs” into a cardboard box labeled “Hiding Place for Bag of Drugs” but that would have been stupid.
* “Wait – where’s my ‘Bag of Cash to Bribe Police’?”
* “Ma’am, we got a cell with your name on it. You’ll love it.”
* Bag of Drugs, as opposed to the Carryall of Alcohol.
* Some fashion designer could make a fortune on a whole line of labeled drug containers, sell them on Etsy: “Bag of Drugs.” “Cannister of Cannabis.” “Backpack of Barbiturates.” “Handbag of Hallucinogens.” “Sack of Psilocybin.” “Saddlebag of Spice.”
* There you have it, people – always buckle up!

AUDIO: WRAP YOUR CAR FOR MARMOTS

Are you heading out west into the mountains this summer? That’s marmot country, and you better be warned: the little buggers want to eat your car. A warning has been issued by California’s Sequoia & Kings Canyon National Park, which is home to a population of marmots that are notorious for damaging vehicles. The marmots are attracted by the smell of engine components and fluids and regularly crawl into undercarriages and cause damage to radiator hoses and car wiring. They have even been known to stow away in cars. Here’s how you can keep marmots from eating your car if you park for a hike or overnight camping: Wrap your car in a tarp, from the ground up. The park service recommends spreading out a large – oh, let’s say ‘blue’ – tarp on the ground and drive onto it. Then thread twine or rope through the grommets and tie it off on top of the car. This should keep them from the underside of your car. Be advised that wrapping chicken wire around the vehicle is no longer advised, as marmots have learned to get around the wire.
* And for god’s sakes, don’t loan them your keys, they’ll just run down to Ace Hardware and make copies.
* Translation: “Now that we’ve issued a public warning, don’t even TRY suing us for car damage.”
* Just curious – when you enter the park, can you buy a big blue tarp and rope at twice the price it would be at a hardware store?
* Is this fake news? There can’t possibly be any national parks left, what with all the fires.
* Here’s an idea: just go hiking on the treadmill in your basement.
CLIP: Here’s our little “Let’s Check In With The Animals” song for an intro to this story. You can find this and other production elements in Sidekick’s Work Parts link at the top of the Main Prep page.
CLIP URL: morningsidekick(dot)com/prep/wp-content/uploads/LetsCheckInWithTheAnimals(dot)mp3

TEXAS COUNTY HAS HAD 103 EARTHQUAKES IN ONE WEEK

The Texas county of Scurry has had 103 earthquakes in the past week. The county is located in middle-of-nowhere, Texas, and officials say it is “almost 99% likely” the quakes are linked to drilling in the local oil fields. The first earthquake, on July 22, registered 4.9 on the Richter Scale. There have been 12 of magnitude three or more. While damage has not been major, the cumulative effects of so many small ones have become cause for concern for larger buildings. Drilling companies are recovering buried oil and natural gas deposits deep underground in what used to be ancient oceans. When the oil comes up, salt water comes with it. There can be 20 barrels of saltwater for every barrel of oil. The massive amount of water is pumped back into the ground, and this is considered to be the cause for the earthquakes.
* So we can rule out Kong and Godzilla and the Hollow Earth theory?
* Sounds shaky to me. Are the people rattled?
* Folks in Scurry might soon be scurrying for safety.
* Central Texas is ready to drop like the living room floor at a deserted house rave. It’ll flatten like a wooden deck at a Duggar family barbecue during the group picture.

TRENDING

KIMMEL AND MULANEY PASS ON HOSTING THE OSCARS

The Oscars asked both Jimmy Kimmel and John Mulaney to host next year’s Oscars telecast. Both declined. Kimmel, 56, has hosted the Oscars four times before, including the last two shows. Mulaney, 41, has never hosted the Academy Awards before. According to Deadline, Mulaney waited for Kimmel to pass on the hosting gig, and then he said no.

ALMANAC

NOTABLE DATES, UPCOMING U.S. OBSERVANCES

Sept. 2, Monday – Labor Day
Sept. 11, Wednesday – Patriot Day
Sept. 20, Friday – National POW/MIA Recognition Day (The third Friday of September)
Sept. 23, Sunday – Fall begins (Autumn Equinox is 8:44 a.m. EDT)

BIRTHDAYS

B.J. Novak (actor, writer, “The Mindy Project”, “The Office”) … 45
Zac Brown (Country singer, guitarist, Zac Brown Band) … 46
Dean Cain (actor, “Supergirl”, “Lois and Clark”) … 58
J. K. Rowling (British author of Harry Potter books) … 59
Wesley Snipes (actor) … 62
Mark Cuban (businessman, investor, owner of Dallas Mavericks, “Shark Tank”) … 66
Dirk Blocker (actor, Detective Hitchcock on “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”) … 67

BIRTHDAY QUOTE QUIZ – Ask your listeners “Who said it?” HINT: Today’s their birthday!

“The fame thing is interesting because I never wanted to be famous, and I never dreamt I would be famous.”

(A) Lady Gaga
(B) Kim Kardashian
(C) J.K. Rowling

ANSWER: (C) J.K. Rowling

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

2008 – Scientists reported the Phoenix spacecraft confirmed the presence of frozen water in Martian soil.
* So Mars is even more like Minnesota than we thought!

1964 – An American satellite making a lunar fly-by sent back the first close-up pictures of the Moon.
* “Look! Grey rock, craters … more grey rock … more craters … how much did we spend on this again?”

1922 – 18-year-old Ralph Samuelson of Minnesota rode the world’s first water skis.
* He also received the world’s first water wedgie.

1845 – Adolph Sax invented the saxophone.
* Finally there was a great instrument to play when a sultry woman entered a room.

THIS DAY IN MUSIC HISTORY

2012 – Appearing at the Helsinki Olympiastadion in Finland, at the end of a European tour, Bruce Springsteen broke his previous record with a show lasting 4 hours and 6 minutes.

2006 – Former Culture Club singer Boy George (O’Dowd) was ordered to do community service by picking up trash on New York City streets after pleading guilty to false reporting of an incident. He called police with a bogus report of a burglary at his lower Manhattan apartment in October and the responding officers found cocaine inside.

1999 – Christina Aguilera scored her first U.S. No.1 single with “Genie In A Bottle.”

1980 – Jon Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas was apprehended by FBI narcotics agents for possession of cocaine. He was later sentenced to 250 hours community service giving anti-drug lectures.

1971 – A security guard was stabbed to death during a concert by The Who at New York’s Forest Hill Stadium.

X-TREME TRIVIA CHALLENGE

Every installment of X-Treme Trivia Challenge includes three mystery factoids. Create your own “Impossible Question” contest – great for listener giveaways and phone interaction starters! Also a perfect sponsorship opportunity!

1. Almost half of couples regularly argue about THIS. What is it?
Loading the dishwasher

2. According to a recent survey, 55% of women say they do THIS chore better than their husbands. What is it?
Mowing the lawn

3. A recent survey shows that over 80% of women say THIS chore is something only a man should do. What is it?
Taking out the trash

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