THE “LIST 5 THINGS YOU DID LAST WEEK” GENERATOR

[note: Obviously, you’re going to want to go to opmreply.com and play around with this website. Be warned that it does NOT generate funny responses.]
By now, you’ve heard of Elon Musk’s infamous “List 5 Things You Did Last Week” demand to federal workers. As expected, there’s now an app where you type in your occupation – or any occupation – and it will generate a list for you… presumably so you can continue to perform your job instead of wasting time making dumbass lists for a guy who doesn’t care what you did. The website is called opmreply.com. For example, if you enter the occupation “Lion Tamer”:
1. Successfully conducted daily training sessions to reinforce trust, discipline, and safety protocols with the lions.
2. Ensured all enclosures were thoroughly inspected and maintained to meet safety and welfare standards.
3. Delivered an engaging and educational performance that highlighted the importance of wildlife conservation.
4. Monitored the health and behavior of each lion, coordinating with veterinarians as needed for proactive care.
5. Updated training logs and performance notes to track progress and identify areas for improvement.

If you enter the occupation “Morning DJ, here is what it says you did last week:
1. Curated and delivered a dynamic playlist to energize and engage the morning audience, ensuring a seamless mix of music and entertainment.
2. Provided timely weather updates, traffic reports, and local news to keep listeners informed during their morning routines.
3. Interacted with callers and listeners on-air, fostering a sense of community and connection with the audience.
4. Promoted upcoming station events, contests, and sponsor messages to maintain listener interest and station revenue.
5. Monitored and adjusted audio levels and equipment to ensure high-quality broadcast standards throughout the show.
* Well, three out of five ain’t bad. But I’m not telling you which three.
* What if your job is “Door Attacher on Boeing Airplane”? You only do one thing all the time. And not very well, if I may say so.
* What if you get specific and enter “Morning DJ at (YOUR STATION CALL LETTERS). Let’s see what it says I did:
1. Managed to roll into work less than ten minutes late each day.
2. Got coffee.
3. Spilled coffee.
4. Deleted all the Only Fans websites from the control room computer search history.
5. Spent 23 minutes each hour relaying pertinent and entertaining information to the listeners. Spent the remaining 37 minutes each hour on TikTok.
* So, yeah, I’m glad I’m not a federal employee.