SWITZERLAND IS THE BEST COUNTRY THIS YEAR

U.S. News and World report, a magazine that — I don’t know, was it ever relevant? – well, they’ve come out with their annual ranking of countries according to 73 different criteria, like “dynamic” and “a leader” and “cares about human rights” and “committed to social justice” and “can understand the cable bill.” Last year, Canada was number one; this year it’s Switzerland.
These Are the 10 Best Countries in the World, According to U.S. News & World Report:
1. Switzerland
2. Germany
3. Canada
4. United States
5. Sweden
6. Japan
7. Australia
8. United Kingdom
9. France
10. Denmark
* Yay, everybody in Switzerland gets a Certificate of Participation.
* The Swiss aren’t happy – they’re smug.
* Canada’s had a high ranking ever since Justin Bieber moved here to live.
* The U.S. is only number 4? I claim voter fraud, the ballots were stolen, the voting machines were controlled by Venezuela.
* You know, Monaco is a country of, like, only 800 people; all of them are billionaires; they sit on the Mediterranean Sea; they’re run by a benevolent monarchy. Why do they never make the Top Ten in these surveys?

The 10 Lowest-Ranked Countries in the World:
85. Belarus
84. Uzbekistan
83. Iran-istan
82. Kazakhstan
81. Serbia-stan
80. Algeria-stan
79. Lebanon-stan
78. Oman-istan
77. Zambia-stan
76. Myanmar-stan
* These countries gotta get rid of this Stan guy.
* Where did North Korea get the money to bribe their way out of last place?