QUEEN ELIZABETH DIES, 134 YEARS OLD
Queen Elizabeth died yesterday. She was 96 years old, at least in ‘people years.’ She was beloved by all the British people, except for The Sex Pistols, and by all accounts she was a pretty nice girl but never had a lot to say. Here’s a timeline of the Queen’s life:
– She was born in 1926.
– From 1930 to 1932 she took waving lessons.
– In 1939, she helped in the British war effort by signing on as a stevedore on an English freighter.
– In 1941, Winston Churchill taught her how to smoke cigars, a habit which remained with her the rest of her life.
– In 1945, of course, she killed Hitler bare-handed, but made it look like a suicide.
– In 1947, she married Prince Philip who, during his wedding vows, yelled, “I’m the luckiest bastard alive!”
– In 1948, she gave birth to an 8-pound, 7-ounce pair of ears, which grew up to be Prince Charles.
– In 1952, on the death of her father, King George VI, she assumed the throne. But she assumed wrong, missed and fell on her can, leading to the famous expression “when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.”
– In 1960, she gave birth to Prince Andrew, took one look and immediately went out and got a puppy, her first Corgi.
– In 1965, she awarded The Beatles the prestigious MBE medals. After the ceremony, she snuck them into a cloakroom and introduced them all to LSD.
– In 1979, she lost an arm-wrestling match to Margaret Thatcher, and Thatcher became Britain’s Prime Minister.
– In 1985, the Queen performed Bohemian Rhapsody at Live Aid to thunderous applause.
– In 2002, to celebrate her Golden Jubilee of 50 years on the throne, she swam the English Channel. When she got across, she turned around, mooned the French, and swam back.
– In April of 2021, her husband Prince Philip died when he was crushed by a pair of giant scissors while cutting a ribbon at a bridge opening. His last words were: “I’m the luckiest bastard alive!”
– In July of this year she mostly retired from public view after they put the crown on her head and it slid all the way down to her feet.
– And, of course, yesterday, September 8, 2022, Elizabeth breathed her last breath. Her dying words were, “I’m the luckiest bastard alive.”
CLIP: “God Save the Queen” instrumental to play under. It’s 1:20
