JAPANESE AMUSEMENT PARKS: NO WHEEE-ING

The association of theme park operators in Japan has outlined a set of recommended guidelines for reopening the country’s amusement parks. There are the usual recommendations, such as operating at reduced capacity, increasing the frequency of cleanings, installing handwashing stations, temperature checking everybody before entering, wearing masks at all times. But they’re also asking everybody – employees and guests – to be quieter, to help minimize any droplets of spittle from spraying out of your mouth. Employees are asked to refrain from using their voice to communicate with guests if possible. And guests are – no kidding – asked to not scream or be loud when they are on the thrill rides.
* Do they just give everyone a sign that says, “Woo-hoo!” to hold up as they’re riding the roller coaster?
* How about a crash course on how to scream and laugh in sign language?
* I can make fart sounds with my armpit. Would that help?
* After you get off the Loop-o-Planes, you’re allowed to text the ride operator, “Thank you for the thrill. It was most entertaining.”
* How many lost paper masks are these guys gonna have to clean out of the water filter each day on the Log Flume?